Steph finds Romance

After weeks of pulse-quickening headlines like ‘Hedge Trimmed Slightly Early’ and ‘Mystery Van Spotted in the Coop car park’ (Probably Legit), AudlemOnline has bravely admitted that village life has been… how shall we put this… emotionally beige. In a bold bid to restore drama, intrigue and the occasional raised eyebrow, they therefore decided to investigate the idea of a brand-new Audlem Village Dating Site — because if there’s one thing guaranteed to generate excitement, gossip and at least three strongly worded comments on Chatbox, it’s romance in a parish with a population small enough to remember everyone’s ex!

I decided to support their efforts and trial their idea, and, although I am currently in a long-term merger, I believe in exploring future acquisition opportunities, so in a moment of administrative confidence I signed up.

There is a specific emotional state in which one believes that, having successfully completed several minor life tasks — replying to an email, booking a dentist appointment, locating the good scissors — one might as well sort out romance too. The website was ready for me.

‘Welcome,’ it said, immediately, which was unsettling because I hadn’t noticed pressing anything yet.

It asked for my name. Then my age. Then whether I was ‘open to meaningful connection.’ I hovered over yes for longer than was strictly dignified, before clicking it with the same resolve I usually reserve for self-checkout machines.

The site hummed, metaphorically. Possibly literally. ‘Excellent,’ it said. ‘We’ll begin.’

There was a short personality quiz. Nothing alarming. Just preferences and boundaries. The few questions made me realise this wasn’t a quiz—it was a check administered by someone who already owned a label maker and was putting my name on their cork board back at AOL HQ.

Next came the photographs. I uploaded three, one where I looked friendly, one where I looked capable, and one where I looked like someone who could be trusted with a house key and possibly a house plant. The site studied them for a moment, ‘Interesting,’
it said. I considered changing them, but it had already moved on.

‘Before we match you,’ it continued, ‘is there anything you should tell us?’ I typed, No, then deleted it. I typed, Maybe, then considered confessing my entire embarrassing history, including the time I argued with a parking attendant for twenty minutes. Finally, I wrote, I’m normal. The site froze, probably trying to compute how someone could be that un-normal and still claim normality. Somewhere in the cloud, a server sighed, ‘Not again…….

Finally, the site sent a message. ‘Based on your interactions,’ it said, ‘we believe your ideal match is… Audlem itself.’
This felt like a cop-out, but also uncomfortably true.

It offered me a premium upgrade to ‘explore deeper connections,’ which I declined, because that way madness lies. I logged off, slightly flushed, oddly proud, and deeply relieved to be in a long-term merger with someone who does not require a
profile picture or a personality quiz, although he could do with a shave now and then.

In a village this small, romance isn’t about finding someone new. It’s about managing your relationships with everything you already love — and seeing them again tomorrow without things being, well, a bit weird!

Steph

Editor – we should report that following Steph's AI conversation with the embryo Audlem Village Dating Site, the owners of the AI system used have suffered serious over-heating of their main processor in Greenland, which melted the ice it stood on and has caused it to disappear down the resulting hole. So faced with a potential multi-zillion dollar damages claim, the Audlem Village Dating Site has been taken down temporarily – apologies to romantically inclined readers.