Government interest as WMD's found near Audlem

Audlem resident Molly Whalley, a cleaner at the nearby Secret Bunker, has found a Jiffy Bag deep in the Bunker, postmarked Baghdad, and addressed in Saddam Hussein's own handwriting.

An examination has shown that it does indeed contain Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMD's). The Prime Minister, Tony Blair, said that he was always confident that WMD's would be found eventually but simply hadn't thought of looking in Audlem.

The discovery has sparked intense Government interest in the Audlem area. The Secretary of State for Education has today announced that Buerton Junior School will not be closed after all but will be expanded to become the University of South Cheshire. A Department spokesman denied rumours that it might be called the Molly Whalley Poly.

Plans have also suddenly been announced by the Minister of Transport that the long awaited by-pass Audlem has been seeking for years will be built immediately. A tunnel will be constructed deep beneath the village to minimise the environmental impact and will emerge in Coole Pilate near to the Secret Bunker. He said that the Bunker was a vital monument and he was sure many visitors would want to visit it.

The Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport has announced that Audlem has been chosen as the village to receive Britain's first model Rural Sports Complex, catering for every major sport. It's wonderful, said a spokeswoman, that Audlem was lucky to be drawn out of the hat first during the selection process.

The Department has also commissioned Anthony Gormley, the sculptor who designed the Angel of the North, to design a giant sculpture near Audlem constructed out of farmhouse Cheshire Cheese. A spokesman said that this would combine art with getting the local farming industry back on its feet. The statue will be located next to brown tourist sign pointing to the Secret Bunker where it could well be dubbed by sceptical locals the Molly Whalley Folly.

The one potential downside of all this attention could be that the Ministry of Transport has purchased the Moseley's Yard site in the middle of the village. Instead of housing, the intention is to use it as a centre for Heavy Goods Vehicle testing.

A spokesman for the Ministry said: "We have been looking for a site to test out the 60 and 80 ton vehicles soon to be compulsory under EEC rules and the village of Audlem with its old buildings, narrow streets, intermittent pavements and demographic mix of old people and children is an ideal testing track for these new vehicles. We particularly want to measure the effect of the vibrations on an already vibrant community."

As an additional experiment a minimum speed limit of 40 mph is to be imposed on Stafford Street and the oncoming traffic warning signals will be set up to operate at random intervals.

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