I realise that I have spent an enormous amount of time investigating the best methods of home schooling, but what about the rest of us?
After all we have learnt many important lessons during this pandemic. Ways to walk around the village practising our social swerving whilst keeping our heads down, avoiding eye contact in case the person shows signs of coughing or sniffing, patiently queueing outside the Coop for ages, waiting for someone to leave before some kind assistant comes out and informs you the shop is empty – yes I have done this!
On the plus side though, if someone has the audacity to come knocking on my door, I am totally within my rights to tell them I am in fact home – but will not open up as I am practicing social distancing. Much less offensive than saying you simply don't want to see them!
I have also learned I will never, ever do jigsaw puzzles again. Ever.
I realise I may be in the minority here, as I watch formerly sane friends and family proudly post photos of their finished puzzles on social media in the same way that they used to post photos of their kids, grandkids, dogs and cats.
But there are other reasons I refuse to capitulate to the tyranny of the puzzle.
All those pieces trigger PTSD from that time when I couldn't even make one side of the Rubik's Cube the same colour. Also I want to use our table for dining, because I am eating at least 10 times a day at the moment, and finally, it's inevitable that I will lose a piece and live forever without closure. I will then need therapy.
Also, I know that when I have finished the puzzle, all I have left is ... a puzzle which I will break into pieces again. I just don't get it.
We all know this pandemic may stretch on through summer, but I am prepared to avoid puzzles all the way through June, July and August if I have to. At that point, it will be peak silly season, and I will be busy watching BBC's News Channel for humorous updates.
So, to avoid being a social outcast in quarantine, here are some handy tips, which don't involve puzzles.
This enables you to sit happily in the sunshine, wearing any old paint splattered shirt, transposing your own creative thoughts onto canvas whilst your neighbours stand admiringly watching from two metres away so they can't see any major mistakes. Should they make any comments smile sweetly and flick paint at them.
Now I have some useful tips on this. First, tuck one corner inside the other, fold it in half then angrily roll it into a ball and throw it across the room because it's impossible. Then start drinking to ease your frustration.
.The crevices between cushions and down the back of our sofas seem to suck items in like a black hole. This is a great opportunity to discover all the nicknacks buried down there, some more surprising than others! If you've suffered the strain of a few weeks having to get up and manually turn your TV channels you can bet the remote control will be somewhere in those depths. For new parents, next time you're frantically searching for a dummy in the middle of the night, look down the back of your sofa!
Now this is a bit like drinking alcohol, you'll feel a lot better when you've done it and you have a good reason for falling over at the end.
This may involve doing a Tupperware inventory. Mine came to 15 square boxes, two oblong and five round lids....who knew?
This is classified as an outdoor leisure activity and may involve accidentally drenching your neighbours children and dogs, but frankly, at this stage of boredom who cares?
Now if you are one of those people who are incredibly and obsessively neat and folds their underwear like origami, you will understand that the rest of us feel this is a pointless exercise as we will discover several odd socks which we will throw out, only to discover three more matching odd socks the following week!
Do you find yourself mumbling profanities at your grout? Or thinking, 'Of all the colours in all the world, I just HAD to pick white...?' Well fret not, grime-fearing friends, for there are ways to properly tackle the mildew, dirt, and gunk that clings to those once sparkling crevices. As you have not visited your hairdresser in weeks, and your roots are beginning to show, there is bound to be some Hydrogen Peroxide in the house so use it. I can guarantee your grouting will come up beautifully white, although it may fall out a few weeks later.
Whilst taking your allocated daily exercise, keep an eye out for those dog owners who deposit their furry friends dog poo anywhere but in the correct bin. On no account accost them as they may be aggressive, quarantine can have that affect on people, just take a photo of them and send it to AudlemOnline as they are struggling for in depth material at the moment!
If you've ever tried to count the stars in the night sky, you may have concluded that it would be impossible to count them all. Guess what? You'd be absolutely right but it will impress some people that you are at least trying.
A bottle of whisky to steady your nerves will help, although your eyesight might become a bit blurry.
The best news is that even a baby can find Wally now -- social distancing measures mean that he's all alone. Whether Wally's globe-trotting adventures classify as 'essential' travels is decidedly unclear.
Perhaps he's just going out to buy some essential jigsaw puzzles?