Mysteries of Life

Steph & John or John & Steph (unknown youngster)

How I like to see it

How it is

Mysteries of Life

There are many mysteries in life. Why is it that when my husband takes out the bins, he acts as if he's cleaned the entire house? Why are all the people in KFC commercials so thin? Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Life can be fickle but the one thing we can guarantee is we can expect falling leaves and rising energy prices this Autumn. We'll be raking it up while the oil companies are raking it in.

Whilst chatting to the leaves in Turnpike Field – I have no friends, but I do have a vivid imagination – they told me they were thinking of falling soon, although some of the younger, more immature ones would probably cling on until late October whilst they plucked up the courage to jump.

Strangely they appear to be really looking forward to this annual event. They enjoy the stiff competition to see which one of them has the best coloured outfit before they weightlessly drift to the ground. Many wiser leaves like to float closer to a train track as they feel they receive greater acknowledgements for their efforts when they get stuck on the lines!

Autumn is the only time when my lone rake comes into its own and finally feels it has some use other than appearing to be a jumped up sapling leaning against the shed wall covered in spider webs. Once those pesky leaves start to fall all hell breaks out and you can almost feel its urge to 'let me get at them!'

Unfortunately my neighbour and I appear to live in an Autumnal tornado area, as the constantly swirling winds deposit at least three tons of leaves (I may be exaggerating) on our joint front gardens. I'm beginning to harbour a slight suspicion that my other neighbours who, under cover of darkness, place beanie hats over their outside lights, take out their leaf blowers and aim them in our direction. Retaliation may be required so to spoil any foul play this year, I'm attaching search lights to the Fire Brigades tower. It'll feel just like Colditz only there's no escape!

Another of my many gripes is that Halloween has got out of hand. Halloween has been wrested from children and taken over by adults. Decorations start turning up in stores in September, although I do think Brambles and Williams have charming displays so they're forgiven, and the frenzy builds up from there.

My Grinchiness goes even further, I don't decorate my house, keep my outside light on, or in any way encourage cute little children in their cute little costumes to ring my bell for sweets. The idea of spending an evening interacting with random strangers who turn up on my doorstep is exceedingly unappealing, I'd rather watch Eastenders.

Added to this, what's good about shoving your hand into a pumpkin, taking out its guts and then, to add insult to injury, sticking a fire in it, and what happens to all those pumpkins left out in the cold for weeks on end? I ask you, does anyone enjoy pumpkin pie?

On the subject of food, my links can be tenuous, I've reached that age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me, has it ever occurred to you that buying and eating half a chicken means that you are secretly sharing your meal with a complete stranger?

I'm now realising that life is like a roll of toilet paper, the closer I get to the end the faster it goes, so it's important to carry on learning new things. I've taken up pole dancing recently, I now hold both sides of the safety bar in my bath!

For those of us in the twilight years of life, remember that sunset is the most colourful and mesmerising time of day, just like Autumnal leaves.

Thoughts

Let me get this straight, we give birth, bring up the children, work, shop and cook and we're supposed to be the weaker sex? WT*?

Men don't have bigger balls than us, we've just had the sense to move them up to our chests to avoid thigh chaffing!

If you had to pick between drinking wine every day or being skinny, would you choose Red, White or Rose?

Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

I would like to apologise to anyone I have not offended. Please be patient. I will get to you shortly.