Musings by Steph

Musings......

Some days I open my eyes and know it's going to be one of those days. The voices in my head are arguing, my imaginary friend is wandering around with a suspicious looking pair of scissors, and one of my more pleasant personalities has wandered off to find a kinder person to inhabit. This usually leads to me waking up by my husband, and thinking 'I could either smother him or make breakfast...............oh well, breakfast it is then!'

I'm living with a saint apparently. This is a status awarded to him by several Audlem residents whom he assists with computer problems. Having a wife who's mind appears to be inhabited with an internet browser which often has several tabs open, three of which are frozen, and who has no idea where the music is coming from or how to stop it must be difficult because he only understands logic and I've lost 64 gig of my memory.

I understand that hardware is the part of a computer I can kick, but to meany sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

I did consider joining Tinder (for a friend), but I suspect potential partners are like internet domain names – the ones you like are already taken. Anyway, this would also involve me swiping right and then I'd have to put my wine glass down.

When my husband finds me secretly printing something, I am politely reminded that we should be aiming for a paperless society. My response is that whoever said technology will replace paper has never tried wiping themselves with an iPad. That soon shuts him up!

Yesterday, as I struggled valiantly into the house, balancing the pack of twenty four toilet rolls on my head, arms weighed down with the weekly shopping from the Coop and Audlem dry cleaning gripped between my front teeth, I generously pointed out that most men would assist their wives with this Herculean task.

He pointed out that the weight of his iPhone, handkerchief, cigarettes and comb were an onerous amount to carry around all day, and I should understand that he was doing his bit to lower global warming as smoking has its benefits – it removes many human beings from this world. I can't argue with that!

We all have opinions on most things, indeed I would compare them with orgasms, mine is more important and I don't care if you don't have one, however, I mainly forgive what people think of me as I know that mosquitoes and wasps find me attractive.

I can sink to some pretty low levels, though, as I am currently helping my husband look for the chocolate that I ate last night! It's a shame that I can't photoshop my devious personality.

Some AoL readers may wonder how an earth I have managed to hold down any job in the past, let alone bring up four children. Well the truth is, giving birth to children was easy according to my husband, it was like 'shelling peas' (he was never there) and I consider my stretch marks to be my pregnancy service stripes of honour, although it can be a bit painful pinning the medals on.

Sadly two of my children have now left the country with no forwarding addresses, which says a lot about my mothering skills!

Quite frankly I don't blame them, they were forced to spend a lot of time playing alone in the garden when the Olympics, Wimbledon and Neighbours were on, as my TV lead didn't quite stretch outside. Also, I can still recall those moments that tested my courage. Taking children into a house with a white sofa or carpet ranked pretty high.

In my opinion having children was like living in a student house, nobody slept, everything got broken and there was a lot of throwing up! Few things are more satisfying than the fact that they now have teenagers of their own.

One of the things that kept me going was that occasionally they threatened to run away from home. In my book, the fact that my children are still alive shows I've done a good job.

Yes, parenthood was a lot easier to get into than out.

Thoughts:

When all else fails – reboot (husband)

Working in a bubble wrap company must be the hardest job ever!

If your cup is only half full, you probably need a different bra

Disclaimer – This article is well intentioned but can be flawed. Please remember to keep a sense of humour as this article represents the official view of the voices in my head.