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More troubling times

30th April 2024 @ 6:06am – by Colin Cliffe
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In response to reported huge public demand, we publish here a further list from the author who clearly thinks he can produce puns with unlimited impunity...

Following on from the recent government report into the state of the economy many new issues that face a vast array of Britain's businesses have now been exposed, they include the following findings:
1) Sales at many of the UKs auction houses are being hammered and sales are also reported to be very flat at the Pancake House
2) The Hampton Court maze company wonders where it will all end, and a new chocolate factory that was recently built in Sellafield has gone into meltdown
3) A second hand car dealer whose main trade was trading in trade-ins has now ceased trading
4) The company making small hydraulic car lifting devices, the company who only make the top half's of men's suits and the man who bakes potatoes on Crewe market have all said they will soon Jack-it in
5) A solicitor who is struggling to keep going says that hopefully where there's a will there's a way
6) A company that manufactures body fat measuring equipment is feeling the pinch, a company that imports oranges to make juice is also said to be feeling the squeeze and the owners of the Sellotape, UHU and Blu Tack companies all face a sticky end
7) A major manufacturer of baths is said to be pulling the plug and several companies who make Bungee ropes and Stairlifts have had an up and down year
8) The British Olympic association say that despite some of their athletes being for the high jump the tug of war teams must still pull together and the Rugby players have to keep trying
9) Many high street bookmakers say all the odds are stacked against them and none of them would bet on being here next year
10) The owner of a string of fast food and cheesecake restaurants throughout the UK says that despite the very difficult trading conditions he is trying to keep his chins up
11) The owners of a recycling plant says that their future is rubbish, and the man who manufactures garden igloos says he wants to keep trading but he sees no point
12) The man who plays the Cheshire Cat in a West End production but was recently accused of flashing says he will carry on, claiming all he can do now is grin and bare it, and the man who makes a living by supplying props to circus clowns simply says that the wheels have come off
13) Many GPs are leaving the profession saying they now simply don't have the patience to carry on
14) When asked to comment on what the future may hold, a Photographer said he will wait to see what develops, a Judge who never found anyone guilty wouldn't commit, Mystic Meg didn't know what was around the next corner and a famous London mime artist wouldn't say
15) A multi millionaire businessman says he is finding it difficult to get his new project, 'The Wingless Aeroplane Company' off the ground
16) The national consortium of bell ringers are said to be appealing for help, whilst the scaffolding firm working on Big Ben have said that they have men working around the clock to keep going
17) The board game manufacturers of Cluedo, Frustration and Scrabble are all said to have been reported to the Monopoly commission
18) The UK's largest manufacturer of drawing pins is likely to be subject to a major tacks inspection, whilst a major Scottish whisky supplier claims that they simply haven't had their VATs returned
19) The great reduction in the number of psychiatrists available to see on the NHS is claimed to be down to 'shrink-flation'
20) Staff at the Dartford crossing say working in the payments booths is taking its toll

Also due to cut backs many firms have announced that they will now be rebranding themselves, so from here on in the UK camping company The Great Outdoors will become The OK Outdoors, We Buy Any Car will now become We'll Only Buy Certain Cars, the high St fashion brand Next will become Next But One, Super-drug will become Alright-drug, Silver Spoon will become Wooden Spoon, and Walkers will become Shufflers. Rumours are also rife that BOOTS will simply become BOOT

There are however a few companies that continue to buck the trend and manage to thrive in these difficult times, these include the following:
1) The famous Nottingham bicycle manufacturer who says that their sales have now Raleighed
2) A major UK windscreen wiper manufacturer who says the road ahead is now very clear and truck drivers up and down the country who say that they are in it for the long haul
3) The Viagra company who despite facing some stiff competition this year say that things are now on the up
4) The new UK start up firm 'KITES R US' are said to be a prospective high flyer
5) The association of cosmetic surgeons have said that despite many cut backs things are generally on the up
6) A British vineyard who have previously struggled to produce both red and white wines say the future now looks more Rose
7) A spokesperson for a group of star gazers says that they are definitely looking up
8) A national hair loss company are said to be feeling the benefits of the recession
9) The medicinal firm producing Imodium Plus have denied claims that they are going down the pan and have claimed to have finally put in a solid performance
10) The recently closed British Boomerang Company is said to be coming back

Breaking News

We have just had a statement from a man who has been a football commentator for over 60 years saying; 'he thinks it's all over'
Well it is now – Colin Cliffe

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