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Lockdown- Week 2

9th April 2020 @ 6:06am – by Colonel? Blimp
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What ho Audlemers. I'm a bit late with this week's offering -- not my fault, those pesky editors of AOL sat in their plush offices banned my last offering involving a goose, a pike, a startled angler and severe pain as they thought it was too gruesome for you to take.

Anyway, boredom is really taking hold here at Blimp towers, especially now that I can't meet my pals at the Audlem Badger Bating and Hare Coursing Club as they've gone into furlough.

Inspired by the fact that Mr Dyson is turning his vacuum cleaners into ventilators, I thought to myself I could turn our Dyson into such a device and if successful make a few for Audlem General Hospital. So, I went into the loft and retrieved my old gas mask left over from my time in the trenches in the Great War. I shook out all the loose asbestos as best I could and then made a hole to which to attach the hose. Using Mrs Blimp as a test subject I then connected up the hose from the Dyson, which amazingly still worked after an incredible 6 months service. At this point I realised that this Dyson fellow hasn't quite thought things through. After only a short while Mrs Blimp went quite blue and started flailing around a bit before going quite limp. So, I turned off the vacuum, the bin of which seemed to have filled up with bits of lung and a not small amount of blood. Whilst I awaited her recovery I thought to myself "back to the drawing board, Blimp".

After a bit more reading around I discovered that these ventilators are supposed to blow into the lungs, not extract (what was Dyson thinking of, I asked myself). Well I still had my facemask, so I set about improving the design to blow oxygen in. Trouble was, I don't have a ready supply of oxygen. But "eureka" I thought, as in my home bar in the east wing of Blimp Towers I have several CO 2 cylinders -- perfect I thought, even better than pure oxygen since (as any student of chemistry will tell you) there are two oxygen things in every bit of CO 2 -- twice as much as oxygen on its own so it's bound to be twice as good.

Whilst I was modifying the mask to accept this, I thought to myself I could make a few additions to make life more comfortable for the wearer. Mrs Blimp is partial to the occasional Benson & Hedges, so first I made a small cigarette sized hole for her to have the occasional puff -- it would no doubt assist her breathing too as she always has a good clear out after a drag or two. I made sure it was a tight fit as we don't want any contaminants leaking in either. She's also partial to an occasional G&T, so I also put in a tube like what those Formula One drivers have and then attached a small funnel to the outside so that I can pour in her usual pint or two. I also put in a little drawbridge to allow her to have the odd sandwich or pork pie, according to her preferences. Finally I painted it pink to add a feminine touch.

As yet I've been unable to test the revised design on Mrs Blimp, she's currently in intensive care recovering from the first attempt. I'll let you know how it goes if she comes home again -- I can't see what could possibly go wrong.


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