Bits and Bobs

Bits and Bobs

With great authority, I can reveal that Audlem suffered a minor wave of Covid earlier this year. I once felt that Covid wouldn’t last long as it was made in China, however after twelve days of positive testing, I realised that their manufacturing processes must have improved! Honestly, I still miss those days when I sneezed and people would say a polite ‘Bless You’ instead of ‘Get the **** away from me!

We’ve officially reached that annoying time of year when its jumper time in the morning but by midday you die from heatstroke. The heat index is somewhere between OMG and WTF and if I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like!

Also, I’ve spent my life honouring my wedding vows, truthfully nothing better came along, but now I’m thinking about getting into a relationship with an Air Conditioner. I’d also like to give out some important advice during this heatwave, please remember to dress for the body you have, not the body you want. We all know that heat makes things expand, but if you have a weight problem, it’s not just because you’re hot.

I’m also beginning to feel like my body is totally out of shape, so I decided to join an aerobics class for seniors last week. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for almost an hour, but by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. I’d try swimming, but it doesn’t seem to have helped the blubber in whales.

Anyway, one point of this diatribe is noise. We all know that light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear intelligent until they speak, however I’m one of those people who likes to stop the microwave at 0.01 seconds because it makes me feel like a bomb disposal expert stopping that infernal beeping noise.

Kingbur Place is always in the line of noise fire, especially when the Music Festival and Party on the Park come around. We’re a tolerant group of neighbours, mainly because most of us are slightly deaf, but we recognise the benefits to the village businesses so those who prefer silence book their holidays, whilst the rest of us sit comfortably on our balconies, sipping Pimms and enjoying the bands until we pass out from music overloadthe drink has nothing to do with it.

Now I’m not going to make any jokes about Wimbledon, but let’s face it, Wimbledon is one of the most boring tournaments as there’s hardly anything to do apart from watching tennis and queuing up to be bag searched, just in case you’ve bought any extra grass in, which isn’t the same quality as the stuff inside!

The games go on for hours, you’d think they would have mastered it by now, and the tennis always seems to get in the way of the rain. They never treat underwear with the reverence it deserves, always stuffing balls up their knickers and we can all get the strawberries and cream they sell for a tenth of the price in the Coop. Also we minions have to struggle past other bored spectators with their binoculars glued to the Royal Box celebrity spotting, ensuring our carefully balanced jug of Pimms will inevitably be spilt down our clothes as soon as we sit down.

If you want to see a real tennis game, just pop along to our friendly Audlem Tennis Club.

No namby-pamby eating of bananas at every end change there. Any sign of rain and they put their macs on, tennis balls are treated with the reverence they deserve and regularly collected from the children’s play area. ( Although I have to say that they have been known to end up in Kingbur Place roof gutters ! ) Members know that you only live once but you get to serve twice. and you can be in the midst of a great rally, but you’ll politely stop when a tennis ball rolls over from another court. There’s no arguing over line calls either as you can’t see some of them, and when you break a sweat you can dunk yourself in the Corbrook flood water, no ice baths for these hardy players. Now that’s proper tennis.

Thoughts

We should never question the value of our Audlem village volunteers, remember Noah’s Ark was built by volunteers, but the Titanic was built by professionals.

Raising children is a walk in the park..preferably Jurassic!

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number I can call?

My laundry basket is empty for all of five seconds a week. Is this a record?