Bah Humbug

Did you know that male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, whilst female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring? This means that according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, has to be a girl.

Of course we ladies knew this, only a woman would be able to drag a hairy fat man in a red velvet suit with black boots all around the world in one night without complaining about the heavy load, working their hooves to the bone and never getting lost!

Sadly, when we stop believing in Father Christmas all we get is underwear and socks as presents and out come those credit cards, pieces of plastic that have demonic powers in their ability to keep us in financial slavery for what seems like the rest of our lives.

So here is my Christmas List:

I'd like a pair of legs without varicose veins, that don't ache at the end of the day in any colour except blue or purple, which I already have.

I'd also like arms without bat wings so they don't flap in the breeze when I'm wearing short sleeves or hanging out the washing, but are also strong enough to carry a screaming grandchild out of the sweets aisle in the supermarket.

I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy thirty years ago and finally I'd like my face to be paint stripped, revarnished and the creases ironed out.

My eyesight is fine, as I can still spot a bargain from a mile away, but a stronger bladder would be beneficial as it will help me to endure the January sales a little longer.

If there's enough money to go round in this present year of austerity, I'd also like an electric car so I can cock a snook at the rest of you with my green number plate, plus the added bonus of the ability to silently run down all those idiots who insist on parking at the entrance to Kingbur Place!

It must also have fingerprint resistant windows, a mirror on the steering wheel, so I can check my make up safely, a radio that only plays Adele songs and a loud speaker to enable me to vent my spleen at every idiot who overtakes me as I merrily drive along at 20 mph.

As an added extra, a refrigerator in the boot with a secret compartment behind the salad tray wouldn't come amiss, as I can then hide my frequent purchases of Prosecco and wine so my husband doesn't find out.

On the more practical side, I would love a life size talking doll that says, "You are so right, Mum" to boost my parental confidence, along with two pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.

I could also do with a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat my chocolate" and "Pick up your underwear" because my voice seems to be just out of my husbands hearing range.

Also, please don't forget the Play doh for my younger grandchildren. It comes in four fluorescent colours and is guaranteed to bring happiness and joy to them as it crumbles and sticks to
my carpets. Their parents don't allow it in their homes and will appear not to have noticed when the inevitable happens, along with the use of felt tip pens which will adorn my freshly painted walls – a lasting reminder when they leave – bless them.

So Santa, an extra dollop of seasonal goodwill may need to be added to my gift list – preferably in the disguise of a prescription for medical cannabis!

If I'm not pushing my luck, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare tomato ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely when I'm feeding my grandchildren endless plates of chips. It would also be helpful if you could coerce them to help when they stay at my house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organised crime family.

Finally, it may well be the season to be jolly, but we all need to be super careful as we may end up in a different tier, scuppering many of our Christmas and New Year plans and remember anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present, although if I'm completely honest, my son in law does a better job than my daughter who learnt all her skills from me!

Well, Santa, I'm dreaming of a White Christmas. But if the White runs out I'll drink the Red! Merry Christmas to you all...............

Benefits for Women if they take on the Onerous Role of Father Christmas:

• There'd be no more early morning decisions about what to wear – heaven!
• You'd only have to buy one big black belt – an accessory for life!
• You'd always work in sensible footwear, so no bunions.
• You would never have to suffer the pain of facial hair removal again!
• You'd never again have to wear tights, only warm furry red trousers.
• You could snack on sherry and biscuits all day (FOR FREE!).
• Age discrimination wouldn't be an issue, in fact the older the better!
• You can switch presents in the sacks to the ones you would really like!

Stephanie