Audlem WI October Meeting

" Never trust a girl whose knickers are smaller than her handkerchief "

The ladies of Audlem WI breezed into their autumn meeting, wrapped in warm coats with even warmer conversation, as if they'd choreographed their arrival with the turning of the leaves.

After our usual spirited attempt at Jerusalem--which some might describe as 'unique' and others as 'auditory chaos'--we warmly welcomed two courageous visitors, Polly and Phil. They had no idea what they'd signed up for, but they smiled bravely anyway. Our President Brenda, ever the master of ceremonies, informed all our members that they should put their knickers onto the competition table, gasps of horror, before whisking through the official WI business at lightning speed, with Anne Huntbach as her trusty sidekick.

This month's speaker was Alison Long who was going to brief us on 'Boarding School Knickers.' How could anyone ramble on for hours about boarding school knickers? Turns out they were just the gateway to an epic saga of dormitory drama, midnight mischief, and survival skills you never knew you needed!

At 11, her school pulled a Houdini--without moving! Thanks to some government wizardry, she left Staffordshire in the morning and somehow ended up in the West Midlands minutes later. When she passed her 11-plus (still not sure how), Wolverhampton Girl's High was out of reach because, surprise, it was in a different county. Cue meltdown.
Her dad bombarded the Education Authority with letters, but they didn't budge. So she was heading to the local comprehensive until a sixth former stabbed the physics teacher with a pair of compasses! So, naturally, her Dad whisked her off to the convent school to join her tall, elegant three cousins. Alison, the short, dumpy cousin with a thick Black Country accent, was about as welcome as a snowstorm in July. These cousins even gave her a couple of Chinese burns for good measure to let her know they didn't want her at their school, showing them up!
Luckily, divine intervention (or more likely her Dad's letter blitz) got her a last-minute spot at Westgate Boarding School. Enter Miss Gent, the headmistress with a wig that had a mind of its own. After a bizarre interview, she was in!
She ended up at The Friary School but lived at Westgate Boarding House with 31 other girls and a wardrobe full of horrors, including 'bloomers'--giant, grey flannelette monstrosities with two pockets for a hanky and 2p, even though phone calls were banned. Sundays were a nightmare, marching through town in stiff grey capes and pillbox hats, looking like fighter jets about to crash into Lichfield Cathedral, route marched around to ensure they didn't come across any 'BOYS'! As if big, baggy flannelette knickers with elastic legs wouldn't put them off!
The food was tragic, soggy cabbage, tear-inducing liver, and chicken drumsticks you had to eat with a knife and fork, like some medieval banquet from hell. Then there was the weekly egg white smuggling operation--her bulletproof bloomers came in handy for more than just modesty as they were secreted into her serviette and tucked up their leg until they could swiftly be deposited in the loo where the next challenge was to flush the floating remains away!
Punishments were as medieval as the food. Caught talking? Enjoy writing Table Tennis essays. Out of bed? You're sewing torn sheets. But she had victories too, like midnight feasts--unless, like herself on her birthday, you slept through the alarm and found your feast mysteriously gone by morning.
In the end, despite the bizarre punishments, terrible food, and wig-related trauma, boarding school taught her a few things, patience, food smuggling, and the importance of securing your wig, we won't go into the pelvic floor exercises as I still don't understand what passing air through your front bottom means!
Sheila Jones gave Alison a warm vote of thanks and a welcoming tea and biscuits was served.
This month's competition had taken quite a cheeky turn! We were on the hunt for the most dazzling, and dare I say it, most uplifting, pair of bloomers or knickers! Whether they were translucent, lacy, or had more personality than Saturday night's evening entertainment – those were the days – it was time to show off what our members had been wearing underneath! I went on a full-blown archaeological dig into the unknown depths of my drawers and unearthed a pair of black lacy briefs, which made me the winner! Suzanne, with her athletic badges covered school knickers came second.

Pat Jones, Anne Poole and Anne Watson were our birthday ladies, however, due to an unexpected game of hospital hide-and-seek with our flower lady (who's currently winning), bouquets will be making a fashionable comeback next month. Stay tuned for her bloom-tastic return.

See you all in November.......