What If's ----

What If's........

One of my greatest accomplishments in life is to sometimes keep my mouth shut – ask my husband – but mostly my whole life can be summed up in one sentence. 'Well that didn't go as well as I had planned', and yesterday I accidentally punched myself in the face whilst trying to pull my duvet up, and if that doesn't accurately describe my life at the moment then I don't know what does.

Doing nothing during quarantine is hard because I never really know when I am finished and although it may look as if I'm doing nothing, in my head I'm quite busy.

This morning I was pondering over the recent Ben and Jerry lawsuit....how did they know that their ice cream was made from 'Happy Cows?' Things then got worse. My coffee beans were 'Respectfully Grown'. Images of farmers lowering their heads in obeisance as they fed and watered their plants sprung to mind. I gave up when my porridge said it could help me lose 7 kilos in 7 days. I don't need these inner conflicts at the start of my day.

Boris made a huge mistake by not giving us all prior notice of quarantine. After all should we trust a man who announces the birth of his fifth child even though it must be remembered that this number only relates to children born in hospital so the real number may be higher?

No, he should have allowed us all a days grace before committing us to house arrest so we could decide whom we wanted to be quarantined with. After all humans have evolved with a drive to share life with a partner--not necessarily our spouses and not all day long!

I can just picture the scenario, Audlem ladies forming collectives of three or four friends grouping together, selecting the best house and stocking up on 'essentials' ( sex is classified as non essential ) to live on during this pandemic, whilst Audlem men form a long line, two metres apart, stretching along Shropshire Street, Cheshire Street and on towards Nantwich, heads bowed, hoping to be picked....... just like at school.....the shame of the last one to be chosen!

Most women crave a circle of friends. A friend is like a good bra, hard to find, supportive, comfortable, always lifts you up and makes you look better! Quarantine with a group of friends would have been ideal for us. We could have sat around drinking coffee until it was an acceptable hour to drink wine and we would never run out of conversation.

Unlike we women, who are encouraged to foster deep platonic intimacy from a young age, men--with their puffed up chests, fist bumps, high fives and awkward side hugs--grow up believing that they should not only behave like stoic robots in front of other men, but that women are the only people they are allowed to turn to for emotional support--if anyone at all.

Women rely on friends, that's where we draw sustenance and feel safe. We can always count on our friends when we need a good laugh or a cry, often at the same time! They will not question the fact that if I am asked out and it entails putting a bra AND pants on, I will usually decide I'm not going.

I see people all around me of a similar age climbing mountains, zip wiring and running marathons. Most days I feel a sense of achievement if I can get my leg through my underwear without losing my balance! My husband on the other hand falls over every night trying to take his socks off from a standing position, but I doubt he would discuss this with any male friends!

These are the type of remarks that my friends would laugh at, however men would never discuss such trivial life details as it would be seen as a sign of weakness in our hunter gatherers! They just don't know what they are missing.

Sadly this 24 hours notice scenario never happened, so what happens now that spouses are staying home all day, and many unmarried couples suddenly find themselves quarantined together?

The perils facing relationships quickly become obvious to the pioneers of this new intimacy as now there is time to sit back and relive past memories, although this is not always such a good thing as women in particular have a penchant for recalling every transgression their partner has ever made and just when you think she has finished, they'll bring up some more!

Quarantining is a challenge for everyone, but there is a particularly interesting dynamic for married couples. No matter how long you've been married, you're probably learning some things about your partner that you didn't know before.

Quarantine is not the time to start nitpicking about your partner's habits out loud. Think about them, agonise about them inside all you want, but don't start asking them point-blank why they're doing the things the way that they're doing them. It will not end well.

If your wife goes out to get the shopping, you do have to let her back in the house afterwards. Certainly, you can insist she washes her hands and even change her clothes if you're paranoid, but she does need to be let back in. 

Raise your hand if you have ever dealt with this. I definitely have. Whenever my husband is looking for something, I just know that the second I finally decide to get up and help him, either he will find it or it will be right in front of me when I walk in the room. Either way, the object will only be found after I stand up!

This boredom is real, fellow Audlemites. Why do we say when our partner looks at their phone, 'what are you doing'? Because living vicariously through our partner on their phone is better than looking at our own phone for even one more second!

Ah well, soon all of this will end and we will all have to go back to the new 'norm'. It remains to be seen whether this will be an improvement, but if we do have a second wave of quarantine, please give us a day's notice Boris!

Afterthought

The next time your wife gets angry, just drape a towel over her shoulders like a cape and say 'now you're Super Angry'. Maybe she will laugh, or maybe you will die!