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Troubling Times

24th April 2024 @ 6:06am – by Colin Cliffe
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AudlemOnline is, as all its readers know, resolutely apolitical. But this in-depth analysis by our Political Correspondent seems to indicate that the market for puns is anything but puny.....

Since Brexit there has been a succession of major challenges to the economy cumulating in today's sky high energy prices, high inflation and inflated interest rates. A recent government report into the state of the economy has now been published and it highlights the many issues that have been and still are blighting many, many businesses. The comprehensive findings within this report include the following conclusions;

  • 1) Many local authorities are quietly shutting down libraries
  • 2) HMRC are believed to be investigating and further letters will be sent out to EE, LG, B&M and B&Q
  • 3) A major calendar manufacturer has declared that its days are numbered and a national Bonsai producer is also scaling down production.
  • 4) Many 24hour shops are calling it a day, many paper shops have folded, many independent Butchers are now facing the chop and Dial a Rod have gone down the pan
  • 5) Several painters and decorators including Banksy and many of the companies featured on Dragons Den have all gone to the wall
  • 6) A food blender company has gone into liquidation and the legendry company Branstone are also in a pickle
  • 7) Many Boxing gyms have thrown in the towel, some carpenters have thrown in the dowel and several builders have now thrown in the trowel
  • 8) A business man that owns a huge fairground consortium says he is now on the slide and the owner of the Twister games company says he finds himself in a very difficult position
  • 9) Several Spiritualists say they have now either given up the ghost or they simply can't see any future
  • 10) The makers of the 1970/80 bawdy comedy films, many of which stared Sid James and Barbara Windsor say they can't 'Carry On' anymore and some takeaway owners claim they can't curry on anymore
  • 11) Lego UK are apparently bricking it and a major British tunnelling firm are rumoured to be now going under
  • 12) The Duracell bunny says it is hard to keep going, a gardener who has had all his equipment repossessed says it is hard to keep mowing, a farmer who has had to sell all his land has said it is hard to keep growing and a Cockerel with tonsillitis claims it is hard to keep crowing
  • 13) A soft feather retailer has said that all their sales are down, and a firm that makes clothing from their feathers is also having to have, a clothes in down sale
  • 14) A firm that converts yachts to electric has said that sales are down massively and a lemming breeder has also seen a huge drop off
  • 15) Many tailors are having to cut their cloth accordingly and many people who have simply been swopping stuff have apparently now stopped trading
  • 16) A walkie talkie firm has called in the receivers as the Kennel Club called in the retrievers
  • 17) A multinational arbiculturists have said that they will be heavily pruning their business. They will be getting rid of a lot of branches and rumours are rife that they are only keeping tree fellahs on,
  • 18) Spandex claim they are packing it all in, many pole dancers have gone ti....belly up and a supplier of ready mix concrete says it gets harder every day
  • 19) A man who tried to try his hand at chicken breeding says he couldn't make hens meet and he then didn't have the heart to cull them so again he couldn't make hens meat
  • 20) Many people who have attended slimming clubs are now having to tighten their belts and a struggling herbalist has had the Bay leaves at the door
  • 21) A distraught funeral director says he has no plans, a ski instructor says his business is going downhill quickly and a driving instructor says his customers are driving him around the bend
  • 22) The CEO at the top of a struggling ladder firm has refused to step down and an ice cream man found covered in chocolate sauce and hundreds and thousands is believed to have topped himself
  • 23) A company that makes oversized wind surfers have said that they now need to put a massive sale on, and the company Wonderbra have gone bust, blaming it on a lack of support and saying they feel really let down
  • 24) The Titanic brewery have asked for a government bail out in order to stay afloat
  • 25) A major food firm that no longer allow their employees to have beards say that they intend to trim 100 staff immediately
  • 26) The man behind a national rock wall climbing firm says he is just about hanging on
  • 27) A synchronised swimming team who were just managing to keep afloat have now gone under
  • 28) The church has gone into Amen-istration, and the sandwich bar on platform 14 has gone into Ham-in-a-station

The government report also concluded that things were no better in the travelling circus society where they found that one employee was regularly getting fired, the trapeze artists were regularly being let go, the Juggler had been dropped, the escapologist was really struggling and the main clown had just walked out, leaving some very big shoes to fill. The circus owner who is also the caricaturist wouldn't be drawn on the subject and simply refused to speak about the Elephants in the room

On a much brighter note the federation of UK businesses have also published their report which highlights a much more positive outlook for the economy; their findings include the following;

  • 1) The national mint is still making lots of money
  • 2) A national platform shoe company is still hiring 100's of people
  • 3) Mr Kipling is reporting an improved turn over
  • 4) Sculptors just keep chipping away
  • 5) Many gym owners are going from strength to strength
  • 6) BP have announced the drilling of a new bore hole so they are doing a well
  • 7) Dyson are said to be cleaning up
  • 8) The owners of many independent pie and chocolate shops are said to be expanding steadily
  • 9) The manufacturer of the world's largest nuclear missile claim that they are making a bomb and that the future looks very bright
  • 10) A major lawn moss removal firm is still raking it in
  • 11) A firm that makes statues of iconic religious leaders have claimed that they will make a huge Prophet next year
  • 12) An inflatable doll firm is benefitting from the higher inflation and a Lilo manufacturer is also benefitting and says it intends to float in the city next year
  • 13) The owner of some vintage arcade machines says the money just keeps rolling in
  • 14) A manufacturer of medical neck braces have said that since starting in 2022 they have never looked back
  • 15) The manufacturer of oversized wildlife statues say they are still making huge Bucks, despite their customers claiming they are just too deer

Colin Cliffe

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