Muller’s Grand Vision: Venice Comes to Audlem (Bring a Canoe)

Muller’s Grand Vision: Venice Comes to Audlem (Bring a Canoe)

Good news, everyone—Audlem is getting a brand-new countryside development, courtesy of Muller. Even better, it may double as a seasonal water park……scheduled to open the same day the traffic through Audlem finally runs smoothly.

The centrepiece of this visionary scheme is a ‘biodiversity area’ (previously known as a ‘country park’ until someone presumably noticed it floods). This delightful green space will feature a picturesque footpath along the River Weaver, ideal for walkers, joggers, and anyone with a strong upper body and access to a kayak or rubber ring!

Locals have cautiously pointed out that this area regularly disappears underwater. Muller, however, seems to view this not as a flaw, but as a feature. Why settle for a static landscape when you can enjoy a dynamic, ever-changing wetland adventure?

The housing itself has been designed with equal imagination. Official images suggest a discreet row of homes, barely visible from the surrounding countryside. This impressive illusion is achieved through what can only be described as Olympic-level camera angles and a strategically placed ‘swale’ (ditch), which promises to hide the development from view. In reality, given the houses will be raised to avoid flooding and built on a slope, the effect may be less ‘subtle blending’ and more ‘here we are!’

Access to the site has also been simplified. Rather than confusing drivers with multiple entry points, Muller has thoughtfully removed one—meaning all traffic will funnel through Tollgate, a road that is already narrower than recommended guidelines. Think of it as a daily team-building exercise for motorists and the chicken game for pedestrians?

Drainage is handled by the aforementioned swale, a solution that sounds reassuring until you remember it’s being built on heavy clay. Experts might describe this as ‘ambitious.’ Locals might describe it as ‘a lake waiting to happen.’ Maintenance plans remain unclear, adding a thrilling element of unpredictability to every heavy rainfall.

Then there are the local amenities. According to Muller, residents will enjoy easy access to a post office, a bank, and a regular bus service. This is wonderful news, particularly for those with a fondness for time travel, as all three are no longer actually there.

Traffic data provided by Muller paints a calm and manageable picture—largely because it appears to have misplaced all the lorries and farm vehicles. It’s a bit like reporting on airport traffic but forgetting to count the planes!

Meanwhile, Whitchurch Road continues to offer its own extreme sports experience, with narrow pavements, steep drops, and the occasional mobility scooter making an unscheduled exit. Perhaps this is Muller’s way of promoting an active lifestyle.

All in all, it’s a bold plan: part housing development, part optical illusion, part flood simulation exercise. Whether it’s the future of rural living or just a very elaborate work of fiction is now up to you, the residents—and your objections—to decide.

nb the cut-off for objections is quite soon (4th April) – if you cannot navigate the Cheshire East planning "portal" (no – it's not a time wormhole!) please send an email to neilgoldie03@gmail.com