Muller Housing

Cheshire East’s Masterclass in Bad Planning

Well done, Cheshire East. Truly inspired. What better place to dump 127 new Muller homes than on the wrong side of a canal, connected to the village by one bridge roughly the width of a wheelbarrow? Absolute genius.

Now, let’s “do the maths” (don’t panic, councillors, it’s very simple):

127 houses × 4 people = 508 new residents.

That’s 508 people who’ll need to cross our tightrope-bridge every time they fancy a loaf of bread, a pint of milk, or a pint of beer to calm down after surviving the crossing.

Of course, every trip in means a trip back — so that innocent loaf of bread is suddenly two brush-with-death crossings. Unless Muller are quietly building a bakery, supermarket, and pub complex on the Whitchurch side? No? Thought not.

And if these new residents decide to drive instead? Congratulations, we’ve just created the world’s first live-action game of “Where’s Wally?” — except instead of Wally, we’re looking for a parking space in Audlem. (Spoiler: there isn’t one.) But hey, maybe Cheshire East can just add more double yellow lines and declare it “sustainable transport planning.”

Let’s be brutally clear:

The bridge is dangerous NOW.
Add 500 more people, and it’s a death trap.
And houses, in case anyone at Cheshire East forgot, don’t come with an “undo” button.

We’re not against new homes. We’re against new homes in catastrophically stupid places. Like, say, the other side of a Victorian canal bridge that’s already bursting at the seams.

If Cheshire East are so confident this is safe, we warmly invite them to test it themselves. Come along at school-run time, strap on your hi-viz, and try the crossing with a toddler in tow and a pushchair while an articulated lorry skims your elbow. Bonus points if you make it without needing counselling.

And while we’re at it, let’s give a polite golf clap to our local school for supporting this circus. Nothing says “child-friendly” like turning the daily walk to school into a round of “It’s a Knockout.” The future of education in Audlem should not involve survival training before the register.

Audlem wants its school to flourish. But if the price of that is risking children’s lives on a bridge Cheshire East won’t widen, then sorry — we’d rather keep the kids alive.

Because here’s the truth no planning document can magic away:

A bridge this narrow cannot safely carry hundreds more people.

End of story.