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Major Grumpy writes

27th May 2009 @ 7:07am – by Major Grumpy
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Audlem Online thought readers might like to see the following correspondence, (much edited to avoid insulting too many people!) received yesterday, as an alternative view of the Festival:

Dear forum meister

I passed through Audlem in my 40 ton artic on Monday and I was infuriated to see groups of damned hippies, with children, dancing in makeshift travellers' tents in the car park of a central pub.

I wish to complain in the strongest terms about this invasion of my rights and of my privacy. Some .... were sitting on the steps to the church and they looked into my cab as I paused to watch what appeared to be the older brother of that.... Keeth Richyards from the Rowlin Sterns or some such dammed hippy band of kids.

I cannot understand why these layabouts cannot get a real job, like working for oil companies.... In all my time in the Army, rising to the rank of Major, I never saw such a dammed rabble..... Why do the Parish council not get them employed in useful work? I passed several acres of what looked to be good land near a river which could easily be dug up and put to growing some food..., thus keeping them off my main roads.......

In addition, why not create some sort of music school in your village to teach these rabble how to play proper music, I am sure that now all the pits are closed, the local bands will be glad to sell all their brass instruments for salvage value. I feel that in no time at all, you could have a decent brass band trained up with some smart uniforms.

A brass band would be easier on the eye than some of the degenerates I saw on Monday. Damme sir, I saw a so-called man with a flowery shirt and a large afro style wig, out in the street!

Another degenerate was wearing skin tight black women's tights and a baggy white shirt... He even tried to hide his identity by donning a long black wig. Thankfully he was not attempting to make any music – probably far too drunk from all the cavorting.

To summarise, I look forward to the day when careless use of my TomTom no longer sends me through this den of depravity and slovenliness and protects us god-fearing honest working truck drivers.....
I am sir,
Major Grumpy

Audlem Online says: There's now a ChatBox feature, as well as the Forum facility, on Audlem Online. ChatBox is where short, pithy comments can be posted. Normally, we wouldn't publish letters such as Major Grumpy's – we don't who he is and we cannot imagine he would admit any relationship to our old friends Jethro or Ned Clarkson. His letter, despite being neither short nor pithy, particularly in its full unedited glory, offered a timely opportunity to promote the ChatBox facility.


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