Do not come down the ladder, I have taken it away

Nice day, dry, sun shining: a pleasant morning for mucking about in the garden. I know, I'll finish that rotivating and then cut the grass.

So with that done I'll pull those two roof tiles down to re-seat them, It'll only take five minutes.

So, erecting the extending ladder and lining it up the roof I prepared to climb. It was at this point that my brains deserted me. With light rubber soled trainers I mounted the ladder but being conscious of the proposed brevity of the operation I did not call Anne to foot the ladder, nor did I anchor the ladder by any other means. Bloody fool!

As I transited from ladder to roof the ladder foot began to slide away and I began belatedly to realise that disaster loomed.
When the ladder had but about four inches (I didn't measure it) left to slide before it fell, it dawned on me that the ladder and I had a limited future together.

Having a distinct memory of an earlier fall with and on top of a ladder and the busted ribs which accompanied the occasion I decided quite quickly to bail out and jump.

As I descended I remember thinking "This is a long way down, I hope it doesn't hurt." I was therefore less than pleased when after landing on my feet facing the building rolling back away from the wall then hitting first my back and following that my head on the Tarmac and it did hurt.

My head lost a little of the red stuff but my cap saved me from worse. I had always thought it a tight fit but I was glad of it that day.

So there I was in an untidy heap in front of the door.

Anne heard the ladder slide and the subsequent thump as I hit the yard. She emerged from the house to investigate and tells me now that she was very tempted to stick her foot in me. However whilst scolding me she began to put Humpty Dumpty together again.

There was no chance of me walking but with great presence of mind she brought the office chair (which had small casters) and wheeled me into the house to my easy chair.

I was at that point remembering a true story relayed to me by Charlie who had been caught red handed burgling the Market Hall at Nantwich. Charlie's adventure was terminated when he fell through the corrugated asbestos roof. The admirable and economical brevity of the telling was what I remember best. Having been gathered up by the policeman he then said: "And when we got to Shrewsbury."
He of course meant Shrewsbury Jail which was a commonplace in Charlie's life.

So. When we got to the A& E at Leighton the matter took a more sombre turn and the rest of the day was taken up with X-rays and scans and of course receiving verbal comments like: "Silly old buggar, what were you doing on a roof at your age". Sometimes words were not necessary the angle of the raised eyebrows was enough. It soon became obvious that I was not going home that night or for a good many nights.

The verdict was one very bruised foot and ankle and one broken foot. In fact it was eight nights before I could go home and to compound the folly there was talk of sending me to an old folks nursing home. That did it.

I am therefore confined to barracks at home and wholly dependent upon Anne.

I am left to reflect on the late Gerrard Hoffnung's adventure with his request for sick leave after misdirecting the hoisting his barrel of bricks. His phrase: "At this point I fear I lost my presence of mind" was eloquent.

My next visit to Leighton was three weeks later to the fracture clinic. Not knowing what to expect and being apprehensive of the outcome of this visit. It came as a great relief to be wheeled before a charming man who had seen all this before. With admirable confidence he assured me that I should be immobilised for a further three weeks and then proceeded to cut away my plaster cast and fit me with what he described as a ski boot.

Now, skiing is not something I have ever taken too It is dangerous and I was haunted by the idea that if I should try to engage in this largely un-protected sport I would be a perfect candidate for going both ways round a tree. Never the less I now have a ski boot, but only one, mind.

It has the supreme advantage of being able to take it off at night.

For the record. I am hearing much criticism of the National Health Service and the Ambulance Service. Throughout the entire experience I have to report that I was treated by all with maximum civility and respect, maximum care and maximum treatment. Much of which I did not deserve.

Since coming home Anne has cared 24/7 and it has made a great deal of work for her. However, the other day I rang the Lord Combermere and asked if they had ramps and paraphernalia to admit me with my newly acquired electric scooter. Indeed they had. So we were able to go out to dinner.

I am now getting about the garden on my electric scooter and I keep hearing a sly chuckle from the two still displaced roof tiles. Normal Service will be resumed as soon as possible.

Geoff

PS The headline for this piece comes from building site black humour.

AudlemOnline adds: The man falling off the ladder in the photo is not Geoff. He forgot to alert us to his likely fall so we weren't there to shoot the incident.

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