Cometh the Hour, Cometh the Woman

Seemingly overnight, the leaves have transformed into beautiful, bright yellow, deep magentas and blazing orange-reds. This is my poetic side – Adrian Leighton is more talented than I at describing Autumnal scenes so I will return to my usual rants – I'm not a strange person, its just that my reality is different to everyone else's!

Aside from velcro, a law unto itself, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of fifty pounds an hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything!

Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time in my book, as there's never enough time to do all the nothings I want. The hour that I lost 6 months ago was sadly the one when I was finally planning to go to the Gym, so last Sunday, I decided it was time to take back what the enemy had stolen from me! Yes, the clocks went backwards...........

Now I'm not a time lord and sadly I can't turn the clock back to when I was 20, however I am perfectly content to accept that the time on my oven, microwave and car will now be wrong for the next six months. On the bright side, they will also be correct for the following six months.

However changing clocks in this house isn't without its own set of dangers. Although I measure 5ft 8 ins on a good day – I've been having trouble with my knees recently – I still need to drag out an old stool to access the clock which is strategically placed above the TV so my grandchildren can't get their grubby hands on it.

We all know that a singer can shatter glass with the appropriate high note, or tighter underpants, but the simplest way to break glass is simply to drop it on the floor, which I proceeded to do. It was a 'the clock or me' situation and it became one of those immediate "treasure to trash moments" which we all dread. Although I am still picking up random pieces, I would like you all to know that I didn't trip and fall, I was just doing a random gravity check!

We ladies all know that shopping is cheaper than seeing a psychiatrist and better than sex. If you're not satisfied after shopping you can make an exchange for something you really like, although it's best not to aim too high as we don't want to be disappointed!

It's also a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase, especially if it's in a sale because it makes us feel we have actually made money!

A quick trip to Mia Stanza in Nantwich restored my faith in humanity and a replacement clock was purchased. It was, of course, a bargain, as every purchase I have ever made is according to my husband!

This is how bored I have become during this pandemic, resorting to nitpicking and gossip, pondering over Parish Council resignations – has their bubble finally burst – and wondering why AoL has run out of Short History write ups when every one of us has experienced a unique and interesting past life.

Apart from becoming a master chef, an ace cleaner and a professional Netflix-and-chill-er ( who isn't ), here are some of the things I have been doing, a few consciously and others unknowingly, during this lockdown.

I've been setting myself productivity goals for each day which must be achievable or I may become even further depressed. They are:

1) Wash Face 2) Put knickers on 3) Open the kitchen bar at 1.00 pm

For added variety on alternate days:

1) Put knickers over head 2) Don't bother washing 3) Open the kitchen bar at 9.00 am

Also I was never a nap person, but after microwaving a ready meal and cleaning my teeth everyday, I eventually need to take a 30-minute siesta post my daily dose of 'Neighbours'. Occasionally this nap runs into 'Escape to the Country' and I frantically have to switch my TV over to iPlayer to ensure I haven't missed any house viewings. I'm becoming a dab hand at using my TV controllers. This can all cause unnecessary stress so it can be a relief to know that I remembered to open the kitchen bar!

As I age, I swear this lockdown is conspiring against my body as I tend to pay much more attention to ageing and wrinkling.

However, as we have been instructed to wear masks, they can provide their own unexpected benefits. As well as concealing most of your face, thereby returning you to that youthful appearance that you once had, it can also provide enormous savings on beauty aids as we only have to plaster make up on the bits that show!

Men can also conceal some of those more dreadful moustaches and hairy chins and, come to think of it, so can some women! Also, men need to know that we ladies are more likely to be turned on when we can't see the lettuce, or other food debris, which is usually stuck between a mans front teeth!

Other added benefits to mask wearing are, that should you feel in the mood to rob a bank, you're already dressed for the occasion, and nobody can spot the odd cold sore or unidentified lip fungus! Plus, should necessity require, the mask can have an alternative use as a tissue, and, I hesitate to add ladies, in dire straits it could be used as a thong!

So, next time you spot me around the village, I shall be wearing my hand knitted hat and mask, make up free, with the added benefit of concealing my unwashed hair!

Positive thoughts;

* The bad news is time flies, the good news is that you are the pilot.

* If you are curvy, it's because your tiny body couldn't store your big personality!

* I thought growing older would take longer? What happened?

* In order to save electricity, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off!