Audlem W.I Annual Lunch

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 60% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up a good lunch for sex.

Most women think if they have a good breakfast, they can go without food for the rest of the day. We think that until about lunchtime''.and then we begin to weaken!

Audlem WI Annual Lunch had been organised for Friday 22nd and as usual I spent the morning delving within the deep, dark depths of my jam packed wardrobe- there were clothes in there too- in a vain search for 'something to wear.'

It always strikes me as humorous that when a woman tries on clothing that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight, but when a man tries on clothing that is tight, he assumes we have shrunk his clothing?
However I digress, this was the Audlem WI Annual lunch and standards had to be maintained which is why I didn't ask my husband to come as:

• He might let me down- his wardrobe is worse than mine although at least he doesn't look as if he had been poured into his clothes and has forgotten to say 'when.'
• None of his chums were going! Men can only function properly in packs!

Fortunately there were enough brave men, who, after being taken out of storage and dusted down, passed muster and were permitted to grace our luncheon tables. 'Cometh the hour, cometh the man' springs to mind, and the Bhurtpore Inn was the lucky chosen venue – I'm certain they felt extremely honoured to be holding such a principled group of ladies and their escorts within their fine establishment.

Audlem WI Committee know their stuff and ensured that everyone present had pre ordered their food, to ensure that menu deliberation didn't cut into gossip and drinking time, after all there's always a fine line when you have to recognise that you are only one drink away from telling everyone what you really think – fortunately we rely on close friends to take on this heavy responsibility.

Now I wouldn't want you to think that Audlem WI are alcoholics because we only drink at weekends, and special occasions 'and boredom'and Thursdays which many people consider the start of weekends, after all we do come from a vibrant village and have high standards to maintain.

At the approach of 12.30, a gaggle of finely dressed and coiffured ladies emerged from their carriages and proceeded in the general direction of the bar in the full knowledge that seating arrangements had been made by our efficient secretary Doreen Hubbard and there was even a seating plan!

Fortunately I ended up on a table of ladies who take their food and wine seriously. Real women are classy, strong, independent, loyal and loveable, but one thing about them is they know they deserve the best and with this in mind Pat Winfield kindly extended her extensive wine knowledge to one of the waiters, who didn't even look old enough to drink the stuff! He finally surfaced, red faced, with a suitably impressive bottle of Italian which satisfied Pat's palette and order was restored as Ann Pearce and Doreen Parker agreed she had chosen well.

Personally I drink wine because I don't like to keep things bottled up, but Pat has shown me that I really should look at the labels!

In the ensuing wait for our first course, the general chit chat turned to more important issues, where we were born and which schools we attended. I never fail to be amazed how small our world can seem, and sure enough two of our table discovered that they had attended schools who had played hockey against each other! Ann Pearce remembered with regret that her school always lost to Doreen Parkers', but fortunately there was no bad feeling after 70 years!

We ladies believe that a measure of intelligence is the ability to change and so it came to pass that pre ordering, which had appeared to be a good idea at the time, was thrown into slight confusion as those who hadn't wanted starters decided they did, those that hadn't wanted sweets decided they would etc, etc.

This threw the serving staff and kitchen into confusion however they rose to the challenge knowing that, a woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon and when a lady says 'what?' It's not because she didn't hear you, she's just giving you a chance to change what you said!

To their credit the young waiters produced the food requested with a courteous, fixed smile, although I can imagine what was being said in the kitchen, and our efficient treasurer Anne Hollins calmly collected the extra dues to ensure all monies were correctly balanced.

Now one of the most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served my family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found, however the Bhurtpore Inn served us all freshly cooked, hot, delicious food and there's nothing quite like sitting around with good friends, having great conversations over a delicious meal, paired with wine.

Food connects us. It brings families and friends together, and makes us happy. It can be our comfort and also our worst enemy!

All too soon the meal was over and our President Lin Nicholas thanked the staff for their excellent service under great duress. They had succeeded where others had failed and fifty elegant ladies and their escorts went on their merry way with smiles on their faces and their coaches didn't even turn into pumpkins!
Until next year...

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