Audlem Village New Year Resolutions 2026

Audlem Village New Year Resolutions 2026

As the New Year saunters into Audlem like a slightly drunk uncle at a wedding, the village once again makes resolutions that are about as likely to survive as a snowman in August, a diet after Christmas, or the moral compass of a pub quiz team. (Not Audlem’s)

Dog walkers will vow to:
Keep their dog under control (except when it sees a squirrel, cat, toddler, or the Postman). Pick up every single mess. Carry more than one poo bag (because recycling is important, apparently). Use leads properly (not just when the farmer’s watching). Stop shouting “He’s friendly!” as their canine cannonballs toward innocent villagers. Never hang bags of dog excrement in trees, on fences, or as modern art!
Expected survival time: approximately one sniff of fresh air, give or take.

Drivers (Shropshire & Cheshire Street)
Drivers, especially those commanding lorries big enough to qualify as “mobile apartments” promise to: Respect speed limits (lol). Check mirrors (the tiny ones, the big ones, maybe even the rear-view from the passenger seat). Avoid mounting pavements (or pedestrians). Treat Cheshire Street as, well… a street, not the Nürburgring. Exercise patience, courtesy, and occasional awareness that the village is narrower than their vehicle.
Reality check: these noble intentions will dissolve faster than ice lollies, typically at the first corner, oncoming car, or moment of “it’ll fit… probably.”

Canal Experts (Audlem Locks)
This year, our canal sages resolve to: Shout advice only when politely asked. Remember holiday boaters are humans, not floating obstacles to be “corrected.” Stop explaining wind direction using interpretive dance (bonus points if they don’t knock someone into the canal). Refrain from judging boats for paintwork, rope choice, or “lack of swagger.” Admit that even the wisest occasionally drop the windlass in spectacular, splashy fashion.

The Co-op Car Park
Villagers promise to: Park neatly between lines. Avoid “just two-minute” disappearances that trap half the village. Not block Kingbur Place whilst claiming “I’m only popping in.”
Expected outcome: cars will still park like Tetris pieces after a toddler’s tantrum.

Our Three Pubs Regulars
Swear to cut down on midweek pints, except on: Mondays (recovering from weekend heroics) Wednesdays (midweek morale) Fridays (obviously) Saturdays (tradition) Sundays (just one… maybe two)
Yes, maths is hard.

Gardeners
Resolve to finally tame the hedge that dares passers-by to attempt limbo. Pedestrians are advised to carry machetes for safety, though the local PC may frown slightly.

Audlem Village Facebook Page
Will attempt to avoid posting about bins, potholes, fireworks, parking, dog mess, traffic, mysterious bangs, or “has anyone else noticed…?”
Estimated survival time: until 12:37 PM on January 1st, when someone spots a slightly crooked recycling bin and the apocalypse begins….again.

ARS Members (Ambling Rival Superheroes)
Vow not to complain about walk speed — too fast, too slow, too hilly, too muddy. Brand-new boots will not be worn “to break in” on a 10-mile trek over fields, stiles, and terrain resembling Mordor. “It looks like it’ll brighten up” will not be said while standing in sideways rain beyond Woore. “This doesn’t look like the path” will only be announced after 20 minutes of wandering, not 19. “It’s not too bad” will be reserved for after someone sinks ankle-deep in mud.

Everyone Else
Affirms Audlem is a peaceful, friendly village — until someone parks badly outside the Co-op, drives past the church like it’s a Formula 1 track, or “does the locks wrong.” Then it’s basically a reality TV show.