The Audlem Heat Guide

The Official (Completely Unofficial) Audlem Heatwave Survival Guide

With temperatures soaring into the ‘Blimey, it’s warm!’ category, the people of Audlem are being issued with the following essential advice…
Keep Cool the Audlem Way!

Tha Canal

Remember, the Shropshire Union Canal is for narrowboats, ducks and the occasional gongoozler—yes, this is a word – not for synchronised swimming. If you do fancy a dip, expect some very puzzled boaters and at least three people taking photos to send to Audlem Online.
Follow the Ducks:

If the ducks are sitting in the shade looking grumpy, they know something you don’t and remember they have the equivalent of a 12 tog duvet on their backs.

Hydration Is Excellent

A cool drink in one of Audlem’s pubs is acceptable, personally a bottle of Prosecco will do for me. Five alcoholic drinks may result in you believing you can steer a narrowboat. You can’t.

Avoid unnecessary exertion

This includes mowing the lawn, washing the car, or arguing about whether it’s ‘proper hot’ or ‘nothing compared to 1976.’

Check on the neighbours

Especially if they’ve been sitting in the conservatory since breakfast insisting, ‘It’s lovely in here.’

Find Some Shade

Our village has plenty of lovely shady spots. If you find one, don’t tell everyone on Facebook or there’ll be a queue by lunchtime. The Coop has air conditioning but please don’t put your children in the ice cream freezer as it’s unhygienic and no one will buy them.

Ice Cream Protocol – Ice cream must be eaten faster than it melts. This is now an Olympic event.

Walking the Dog

If your dog gives you ‘that look’ and heads straight back indoors, take the hint. They know the pavement is hotter than your barbecue.

Farmers

If you see a farmer smiling about the sunshine, don’t worry—it’ll pass as soon as they remember the grass isn’t growing.

Gardening

Your hanging baskets are now drinking more than you are. They’d quite like watering twice a day and a pep talk. If you see someone smiling whilst mowing their lawn. they’re probably hallucinating. Your garden hose can now be treated as a ‘National Treasure.

Heatwave Warning Signs in Audlem

• The ducks are so hot they’re laying hard boiled eggs.

• The fish are overheating and the canal’s now one degree away from serving them with chips!

• Even the canal water looks like it’s thinking, ‘It’s a bit warm,’ and has turned into a hot tub.

• Someone has been heard saying, ‘ I wouldn’t mind a nice thunderstorm.’

• The village’s biggest traffic jam is outside Boots who also have air conditioning.

If you spot someone wearing socks and sandals today, they’re not making a fashion statement—they’ve simply given up.Finally, remember this is Britain. If history is anything to go by, next week we’ll all be wearing jumpers and saying, ‘Do you remember that heatwave?’

Until then, keep cool, stay cheerful, and don’t forget the sun cream… because nothing says ‘British summer’ quite like looking like a lobster by teatime!