Audlem census information hacked

As Audlem is near the beginning of the alphabet, last week's census information for the village was among the first sets of data to be analysed, digitised and sent over the internet to Lockheed Martin (the US defence contractor being used to count UK citizens).

It is understood that the security of the transmitted data is a combination of SSL (secure sockets layer which encrypts data packets, using symmetric cryptography for privacy and a keyed message authentication code for message reliability) and internal translation into Linear B.

This was, it seems, chicken feed for local Audlem teenage hacker Paris Flirt who has made short work of the security using statistical theory, regression analysis and the Rosetta Stone. She has passed a detailed analysis of the census information on to Audlem Online.

This shows, in response to Q18 (What is your religion?), a remarkably high percentage of Jedi Knights live in Audlem, especially in the Windmill Drive area. 390,000 Jedi Knights were recorded in the earlier 2001 census but this is the first confirmation that the religion has almost as many adherents in Audlem as the Church of England, Methodist and Baptist churches locally.

Local responses to QH11 about central heating reveal that the vast majority in Audlem depend upon oil central heating but just 7.2% can now afford the oil, all of whom have declared their allegiance to the Oil Baron.

It also appears that responses from 45% of Audlem households have yet to arrive. The census authorities believe this is because they have been posted but are confident that Royal Mail will have them delivered well before the 2021 Census takes place.

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