ARS ing Around

( Short) Audlem Rambling Society Members

A R S ing Around

Soon the days will be gone when ironically, we could only touch people with a bargepole.

Who would have thought the comment ' I wouldn't touch you with a six foot pole' would become national policy and hugging would be forbidden? We Brits rose to the challenge of course, and using inventive and creative thinking constructed long distance methods of procreation, which are now patented so I cannot print them here. The mind boggles at the thought of all those immaculate conceptions!

In its wisdom, our UK Government then decided it knew best and opted for a track and trace app designed by their friends rather than embracing – at a social distance of course – the one that the entire rest of the world were already successfully using.

Somehow this reminds me of my husband's decision to buy our family a Betamax recorder in the nineties, and we all know what happened to those!

We have also all become extra sensitive to noises during these tedious periods of self isolation as nail tapping, babies crying and dogs barking have all grated on our ears. When I get back into the real world, if a car backfires I shall probably hit the ground as if a grenade has exploded !

Isolation has also shown us that we can now fully understand why the dog chews the furniture and chases its tail!

My husband has been very understanding, as is his wont, realising that to stop myself touching my face all the time I need to hold a glass of wine in both hands, full to the brim of course, to aid my poor balance as he knows I never like spilling my alcohol unless my mouth is in the vicinity.

This paragon of virtue has also, considerately, been planning our first escapade into the outside world by pinning a world map to the kitchen wall and asking me to throw a dart at it. Wherever it lands we will be visiting when the pandemic ends. Sadly it turns out we will be spending two weeks behind the fridge because I lost my balance when he removed my wine glasses!

Running seems the epitome of healthy living, doesn't it? Jogging purposefully along with fancy trainers and bright clothes whilst listening to some inspiring tunes through my air pods – what's healthier than that?

Well, just walking possibly, as I can never seem to get any areas of my body jiggling in the same directions whilst running.

This said, I decided to join the Short ARS group – Audlem Rambling Society – to ensure my commitment to the cause and not to slip back into the chaos of my pre Covid life.

The first hurdle I encountered was to get up early. This in itself was a shock to my system, but two strong coffees later, administered intravenously to swiftly dilute any excess alcohol in my bloodstream, I was up and dressed by 9.00 am.

Although still slightly bleary eyed, I joined the rest of the group at Audlem car park – 18 ladies and 2 men of indeterminable ages, and 5 excited dogs – who all looked fresh as daisies and keen as mustard to get started.

Firstly, we all had to be reminded of our Covid walking rules, social distancing and putting one foot in front of another, just in case our recent isolating sofa surfing had caused us to forget how to do it. Our team leader, who had valiantly recced the planned route already, was introduced and her husband, bravely or foolishly, volunteered to be the group's back defence, sweeping up any group members who should fall by the wayside!

Presumably he would fling the fallen over his manly shoulders until the excess weight caused him to sink into the mud and a rescue helicopter would then be called to retrieve him and and any other bodies? I was glad to see my joining fee would be put to good use!

Rucksacks were checked, coffee, tea or soft drinks were allowed although surprisingly my can of ready made gin and tonic was confiscated. Hand gel, tissues, and, in case the terrain became tougher causing low blood pressure, enough chocolate to sustain us for a fortnight!

Face masks were mandatory as they would frighten any cows whom we may inadvertently bump into as well as maintaining our anonymity should the disgrace of failing to complete the course occur!

Finally we were ready to commence – I was already worn out – and our cars were parked, with permission, at a local pub which was sadly closed. Still full of enthusiasm, well the dogs were, we followed closely in the footsteps of our leader along the village road before coming to the first of 12 stiles we would need to clamber over. However, what we didn't know was that the two steps leading up to this first style required Olympian pole vaulting skills at the very least, but those seasoned walkers who had brought their sticks with them kindly shared and we all managed to clear our first, unexpected hurdle.

Although classified as a one boot walk, presumably because we would all be leaving one piece of footwear in the mud, I felt the going was a little heavy as a machete was required to hack down the overgrowth as we merrily followed our cheerful leader into the dark depths of unknown territory.

My brilliant suggestions of chairlifts being positioned in some areas so that we could get to the wonderful views without having to hike through treacherous terrain, as well as escalators to help on steep uphill sections fell on deaf ears. Apparently this defeated the object of the walk !

Surprisingly, one unexpected benefit of this walk was the interaction of the group dynamics. We all became immediate bosom pals, discussing intimate subjects as only women can! I noticed the men avoided us like the plague, although I suspect they were turning their hearing aids up in case they missed any juicy gossip!

There was a definite unspoken moral code of 'what is said on the walk, stays on the walk!' My lips are sealed...........although I'm always open to bribery as you all know I have no real moral structure.

I'm looking forward to this Saturday, when I shall once again join the merry throng of short ARS members. One day, in the far distant future, I may even gain my stripes and be allowed to participate on the long ARS walks! I live in hope.