The American Dream

Audlem Online brings you a World Exclusive. We have an unexpurgated copy of Billy Gibbons' autobiography – albeit seemingly written by a third party, it's all Billy's work. One of Audlem's most famous residents here describes his first (somewhat truncated) visit to the United States:

"THE AMERICAN DREAM"
(That turned into a nightmare)

As mentioned elsewhere in this book, Billy used to do an Elvis impersonation act. This only lasted a few short years for a couple of reasons, one, Billy didn't really look like Elvis (an important factor, says Billy), and two, when Billy realised he could write songs, that's what he did, and also he learned to play a few instruments, Guitar, Double Bass, Drums (to be honest, he could play the drums when he was about six) and Saxophone. Not all at the same time of course!

He wanted to incorporate these into his stage act so that's what he did, and as a consequence the Elvis tribute was stopped. He has told me that when he was doing the Elvis act it taught him a lot about stagecraft and was a great apprenticeship into entertaining and he loved every minute of it.

Anyway, back to the story.... in 1981, some friends of his visited the United States and, as they were big Elvis fans, most of the things they did and saw were connected in some way to the King. On their return, they told Billy that although there were a lot of people over there impersonating Elvis when he wore the white jump suits, there was hardly anyone doing a young Elvis act.

Billy thinkingThis got Billy thinking and after much research, he contacted a look-alike agency in Hollywood. They agreed that young Elvis's were a bit thin on the ground and suggested that Billy send them some photos of himself and they would take it from there. This he did and a while later they rang him and said they were interested in meeting him with a view to possibly putting him on their books and getting him work in the States.

Well, those of you that know Billy will also know how excited he was at hearing this! So, what did he do next? Finished his job on the Council, sold all of his possessions (apart from his Ford Zephyr) and bought a ticket to stardom!

Oh, how wrong he was! The travel agency told him that because he hadn't actually got a job in America yet, he would have to go out there as a holidaymaker, sort things out at the look-alike agency and then apply for a Green Card when and if he got a job.

Fantastic, what could go wrong, I hear you say. Hmmm. Read on! This is now September 1981 and Billy has said a tearful farewell to his friends and family and is on the 'plane from Manchester, heading for fame and fortune. Or maybe not. Sitting next to him on the silver bird is a middle aged couple from Manchester on a package holiday and they got chatting and told our intrepid explorer that someone had cancelled their holiday at the last minute and that Billy could use this person's hotel room for one night when they got there if he wanted to.

"How can it get any better than this?" thought Billy. Well, funnily enough, it didn't, in fact it was about to get a lot worse! We are now at LAX International Airport, Los Angeles, California and he's waiting in line to check out. The couple from Manchester has already checked out and said to Billy they would wait for him outside. ("I wonder if they're still there" Billy has asked me!) Now it's his turn to check out, the airport official looks him up and down a bit and asks him to empty his suitcase. He was the only one being asked to do this, and although he thought it was a bit odd, he did what he was told.

Go over thereAfter the lady looked through his stuff and seemed happy, she told him to put it all away and to go "over there". Now, "over there" wasn't where everyone else was going, oh no, they were all going outside to America but the, by now, a bit worried Billy had to go "over there".

So off he went to where the lady pointed. Standing on a box, behind a counter so she was taller than anyone else, (which wasn't too hard to do in his case because Billy's short anyway!) was what could be loosely termed a woman. She was HUGE! Billy tell's me she looked like a Hippo but not as pretty. He even remembers her name, it was Mrs ****. She asked a, by now REALLY nervous Billy, to empty his suitcase.

He tried to explain he just did that "over there" but this woman was having none of it, so he took all of his stuff out and put it on her desk. She started poking about in it for a while and asked him what he was doing in the States. He wanted to say "at the moment, wishing I'd put brown underpants on" but of course, he didn't. He told her that he was visiting the States on holiday.

After what seemed like hours, but it was only a minute or so, she told him everything was in order and to pack his stuff away. Not only that, she even got a security guard to help him. At last, it's getting better again, but no, this, dear reader, is where it starts to go really downhill.

Press cuttingsThe security guard came over and started to help Billy pack his things away and noticed that he had some press cuttings about Billy doing an Elvis tribute act, the guard started chatting to Billy saying that he remembered when Elvis came to the airport and when he met him etc etc.

But as he was putting these press cuttings away, one fell out of his hand. It was only a small one but it was the one from The Nantwich Chronicle saying that Billy was going to the States for a job. Oh dear. Billy was thinking to himself, "please don't read that, please don't read that" but guess what, he read it!

Off he went to Mrs ****, said something to her and then she thundered over, "What's this?" she screams, "you've told us you've come to the States for a holiday and this says you've come for a job."

"Oh dear" thought Billy, or words to that effect. The "lady" proceeded to quiz Billy about this slight discrepancy. He told her about the agency wanting to see him and until they did, couldn't say if they wanted him to work for them or not, and, as such, wouldn't commit themselves.

"Do they know you are coming to see them today?" she barked. "Er, not today necessarily, but they know I'm coming sometime" he said. "Stay there" she growled and went to one of those phones on the wall that have a bubble type thing around them that you stick your head in. It was a tight fit, but she managed it and dialled a number.

After about five minutes she came back to a now jet-lagged and very nervous Billy, got on her box and screamed at him "YOUR'E A LIAR," thrusting a sausage like finger into his face just to make the point a bit clearer.

"What do you mean?" he said. She told him she had just spoken to the agency, she said they knew he was coming and there was a TV commercial waiting for him when he got there!

OptionsThen came two options from the She Devil. Number one, she said, was to "stay in Los Angeles overnight, go in front of a deportation judge in the morning, possibly get banned from America for life, and if I've got anything to do with it you WILL be or" (by now Billy was thinking he'd go with the "or") "or I will type you a letter of deportation now, put you on the next flight to the UK, go home, sort yourself out and try again" "Or" it is then!

She marched him to an office and started thumping away on the typewriter keys. It was at this point Billy asked if he could make a 'phone call, which was refused. However, the drink of water he also asked for was granted and with the assistance of two armed security guards, was marched off to the toilets to get one.

When he came back, the letter was done and he was taken to another room where he was told to wait. It gets a bit blurred here because he lay on the floor, put his head on his suitcase and promptly fell asleep. He was woken from a nightmare to be put in another one. She thrust a 'plane ticket into his hands, and asked him for $300.

When he looked at it, it said on it, Gatwick. "Er, hold on a minute" he said, feeling there was nothing to lose at this point by saying what he thought. "It says Gatwick on this ticket, I got the 'plane from Manchester". "Yeah?" was the sarcastic reply. "If you drop me off at Gatwick" he said, "I'll die there".

Just when he thought she couldn't shock him anymore, she did! "We don't care if you do die, you're going to Gatwick". Wonderful! Before he had time to think of an equally cutting reply, the two security guards came in and marched him, through the checkout gates where he should have gone three hours earlier, outside, where they now ran him down the sidewalk, oh go on then, pavement, through the doors at the front of the airport and to the check in for outgoing flights.

Homeward boundThe next thing he knew he was on a 'plane bound for the UK. Gatwick, to be precise. I'll cut the next bit short.... Gatwick, Train Station, another Train Station and finally, Crewe train station. So, there he is, he's just come from Sunny California, and the next minute, it seems, he's outside Crewe railway station, it's cold, raining and dark, and he's now got to get home to Audlem, where his Mum and Dad are, still thinking he's in the States.

Well, right now, he's in a state! To make matters just that little bit worse, he's hardly got any money left. Rather than ring a friend for a lift, he thinks "to heck with it" and decides to get a cab, oh all right then, taxi. He asks the taxi driver to drop him a few yards from his house so his Mum and Dad wouldn't hear the car. He wanted to give them a surprise, and guess what, he did!

Here's something a bit strange, when Billy asked the taxi driver how much the fare was, he told him it was £6.00. Nothing strange about that, apart from the fact it's a bit dearer now, but when Billy opened his wallet, that's the exact amount he had in there! Not a penny more or a penny less...£6.00! In fact, that's the exact amount he had left in the world! And when the taxi driver took it, he didn't even have that!

He gets out, says sorry to the driver for not giving him a tip, (Billy says, having thought about it, he could have given him a tip: "Don't go to the States unless you've got the correct documents with you!") and walks the few hundred yards to his home. After going to the front door, which he rarely ever did, he knocks on it and waits for an answer.

Alice just stood there with her mouth open for what seemed like ages, which actually, it was. When she finally got over the shock of seeing him there she said, "You've not gone then?" "Oh, I went" he said, "and now I'm back!"

DeceivedThis was a Saturday night and after Billy recovered over the weekend, he rang the look-alike agency in the States on the Monday. He spoke to the boss and said he was sorry about the trouble at the airport when Mrs **** 'phoned him, but was looking forward to returning and asked him about the TV commercial they had for him etc etc. "What are you talking about?" he said. "No one rang me from the airport, and I know nothing about a TV commercial."

You may be ahead of me now, dear readers, but, Mrs **** didn't ring anyone! She was calling Billy's bluff, that's why she didn't let him use the 'phone at the airport because she knew he would ring the agency to ask them to come and help him out. Billy has since returned to the States. This time he went with a family he is friends with, but can you believe, he almost didn't get in that time either! But, that, as they say, is another story!

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