For those of you who just love to decorate your house exteriors at Christmas, could you just avoid those flashing lights that are red or blue? To the untrained eye they simulate police cars and every time I whizz round the corner into Kingbur Place I have to brake hard, toss my wine out of the window, hide my weed, fasten my seat belt, throw the phone I have just been texting onto the floor, and kick my foot spa under the seat. All of this whilst trying to drive and avoid my neighbours potted plants!
It's too much drama, even for Christmas, so thank you for your understanding.
Anyway, I think we should all hang our Christmas lights on the houses opposite so we can admire our handiwork properly. Visitors to our village cannot fail to admire the twinkling Xmas trees in Audlem (thank you ADAS) but what's with the giant sized Santas and Snowmen crumpled flaccidly on the grass in some gardens? Now I know that with great power comes a great electricity bill, but come on folks, we all deserve to stand tall and erect – some of us more than others!
And how about Mistletoe, a festive and freaky parasitic evergreen plant which produces white berries, oval leaves and often leads to occasional sexual harassment charges around Christmastime?
Finally, that all important Xmas cake. I've got a few fruitcakes in my family, some are nutty and others are soaked in alcohol, so here's the recipe for my infamous boozy Christmas cake.
First, open a bottle of Rum so it can air properly. Pour a glass to check the alcohol content is correct. If you are uncertain, pour another glass as you don't want to jeopardise the quality of your cake. Prepare and weigh all the listed ingredients suggested in Mary Berry's cookbook. All of these can be purchased at the Coop, wooden spoons and corsets (required after excess eating) at Williams and cake forks and stands at Brambles. Just as a precaution, Boots sells indigestion tablets.
At this stage it would be wise to check the Rum for quality, so pour another glass and test. Turn on the mixer and beat the sugar and butter together. Add flour, eggs and any other other ingredients within reach. Smile fondly as you recall the days when, as a good mother, you let the kids lick the beaters, however you now realise had you been a great mother, you would have turned off the mixer first!
This whole preparation process can become exhausting, so check the booze hasn't deteriorated by topping up your glass. The stress of perfecting this annual culinary feat may cause you to drop the dried fruit on the floor as your hands appear to be losing some of their fine motor skills, so brush it up and chuck it into your mixture. At this stage you should be calling in your family to make a wish, but they're too busy watching Harry and Megan on Netflix. If the dried fruit gets caught in the beaters use a screwdriver to dislodge it, even though it was last used for digging up weeds.
Check the Rum again to check for tonsisticity and pour what's left into your mixture. By now you will have taken all leave of your senses and you may have double vision. As you glance around your messy kitchen, you spot that small mythical creature, the Elf on the Shelf, balanced on the dresser, appearing to judge your efforts. Put it out of its misery by throwing it in the blender.
Turn the cake tin 180 degrees and grease the oven whilst trying to maintain your balance (and dignity). Finally throw the completed mixture out of the nearest window and open another bottle of Rum. Finally, wipe your surfaces clean with the cat* before retiring to the nearest sofa – job done!
No-one likes Christmas cake anyway and everyone wants to get rid of their Elf on the Shelf!
* No cats were hurt in the making of this cake.
Three Wise Women would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, brought practical gifts such as chocolate and cleaned up the stable. They would also not have bumped their heads on the roof and muttered 'Jesus Christ', although lets face it, it's a better name than Fred!
It's hard to get my husband anything for Christmas as he got everything he needed when he married me.
Remember to compliment your host on their Christmas decorations, even if it looks like a scene from A Nightmare Before Christmas.
Keep your glass in your left hand. This will enable you to shake hands and/or grab another glass in your right hand.
Remember to remove the price tags from your gifts, especially the 99p ones!
I know what I'm getting for Christmas............fat..........I'm getting fat!