Personally, I don’t call them New Year’s resolutions. I prefer the term ‘casual promises to myself that I’m under no legal obligation to fulfil.’ In reality they’re just a to do list for the first week of January.
My advice to you all would be to make New Years resolutions when you’re drunk, that way you won’t remember them.
Here are some of the promises I won’t be keeping.
I shall open a new Gym in Audlem named ‘Resolutions’. Unlike our present, excellent gym it will have exercise equipment for the first two weeks and then it will turn into a cocktail bar for the rest of the year. I expect half of Audlem to sign up for it as I’ve spotted a gap in the market.
I will get back into the shape I was before the accident. Before you all start feeling sorry for me, ‘the accident’ was just me eating too much junk food and drinking too much wine.
I shall become more of an optimist, I know that won’t happen and that something will go wrong and I’ll fail. I still can’t believe that it’s a year since I didn’t become a better person.
One of my resolutions last year was to lose twenty pounds in weight, only thirty pounds to go!
I will always wind down the day with a glass of vinooh, wait, I’ve already perfected that resolution.
I will clean the car every week. The permanent, free car wash in the dip of the road before Hankelow has proven the perfect solution. I will cover my car in Fairy liquid, speed up and race through. The car will be rinsed on its return journey.
I will not mention or read about the Adderley traffic lights.
I’ll be more positive and less sarcastic- like I won’t screw that up right away!
I will ask AOL to stop correcting my terrible spelling and focus more on my horrific grammar and to stop putting asterisks in my write ups!
I have challenged my husband to make a resolution he can keep, so he’s determined and committed to becoming fatter, lazier and older in 2023.
I will never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. I have made this mistake only once, I have no intention of doing so much washing again!!
New Years resolutions are a bit like babies, they’re fun to make but extremely difficult to maintain, so remember, making resolutions is a cleansing ritual of self-assessment and repentance that demands personal honesty and, ultimately, reinforces humility. Breaking them is just part of the cycle. I wish you all a Happy New Year.