This Christmas, instead of giving gifts, I'm giving everyone my opinions – take it or leave it.
Christmas is a special time of year when all your extended family gather together in one place to scroll through their mobile phones, but the true Christmas miracle happens when all of them arrive on time, sober, and you remember to buy batteries so nobody gets hurt!
Sometimes I think that my family tree doesn't branch far enough, after all, every family tree has some sap! Fortunately I have a large, loving, close knit family who live in another country, which suits me fine! Our sanity may be debatable but our bond is unbreakable.
Families are a bit like fudge, mostly sweet with a few nuts. In my family gravy is classed as a beverage, fruit and vegetables come in the form of carrot cake and banana loaf, but if you should ask me to make an apple pie from scratch, then you'll be expecting another Christmas miracle.
And then there's the dreaded Office / ARS / WI / ADCA Christmas Party. This is always a great opportunity to meet up with people that you haven't seen or emailed for at least twenty minutes, and it's also a great way of gathering drunken information that you can squirrel away to use as blackmail sometime in the future when AOL's Chatbox is looking a bit underwhelming.!
We need to be careful about presents. Hand made gifts just show we have too much spare time on our hands which could mean Audlem Parish Council will be desperate to sign us up, whilst most hand knitted Christmas jumpers can only be seen as a cry for help.
Sending Christmas cards is a good way of letting your friends and family know that you think they're worth the price of a stamp – 95p – but personally I'd rather do Community Service than write Christmas cards, so if that means joining our Parish Council then so be it. I'd be every bit as good as Jackie Weaver although my minutes might not be acceptable to the residents of Audlem.
You can tell a lot about a person by the way they tackle tangled Christmas lights and get up at five o'clock in the morning to stuff breadcrumbs up a turkey's ****and insert the pop up timer whilst still half asleep. These are the stalwarts who will also remember to make room in the garage for this years unwanted gifts. It's always consoling to know that these gifts will become next years Audlem Charity Shop donations or be spotted on Buy & Sell after a suitable time lapse.
Also ladies, don't forget the rummage sale which is also a chance to get rid of those things around the house not worth keeping – bring your husbands along!
Yesterday, whilst out shopping, I spiralled into a nervous wreck. This is my default setting when dealing with any new technology. There was a lot of loud swearing, mainly about barcodes, stressful demands to know how many bags I was using, was I over 18, (just look at my face) and 'apparently' I wasn't placing my purchases in the correct bagging area? What the ****. Just as I was about to complain about the impertinence of cashiers nowadays, I realised I was at a self service checkout!
I think there should be a small, padded room placed by all self service checkouts with an experienced counsellor on hand for those of us suffering from post traumatic stress symptoms.
I do try to keep my cool at the these checkouts as I want them to vouch for me as an ally when robots eventually take over the world and one of the things I want to do before I die is make it through the self service checkout once without needing an assistant's help although this may be a Christmas miracle too far.
Finally, I know you are all feeling relieved, Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without a good old sing song, so Audlem Voices are putting themselves in the firing line on Dec 9th in St James's Church. You may notice that our choir singers sway from left to right on the stage as they sing, this is because it's harder to hit a moving target!
Whatever happened to the days when there were assistants on the shop floor with badges saying they were 'Happy to help'? I bet Billy Gibbons can remember those.
You can't blame Christmas if you were already fat in August.
Father Christmas wears a red suit, therefore he must be a Communist, he has long hair, so he must be a pacifist, so what's in that pipe he's smoking?!
When I asked Santa for a smoking hot body, the menopause was not what I had in mind.
For those of you who consider I am not 'woke'. In order to insult me I must first value your opinion. Nice try though.