Audlem Declares Independence

Ed : Thank you Steph for bringing such joy to our lives.

Audlem Declares Independence!

In a stunning act of rebellion not seen since Braveheart (albeit with fewer kilts and more tractors), the proud people of Audlem have declared unilateral independence from the tyranny of local government. The breaking point? Extortionate car park charges, an eye-watering Council Tax hike, and a bin collection schedule so sparse that local rats are now running refuse businesses.


We are a peaceful people, declared local spokesperson and pub regular, Bob. But when you start charging us a small fortune to park in our own village whilst also making our roads resemble the surface of the moon, something needs to be done.


Indeed, while Council Tax continues its meteoric rise, the roads connecting Audlem to the outside world have begun to resemble obstacle courses from Gladiators. This, of course, is except for the valiant efforts of local farmer Norman, whose tireless work with a shovel, tractor and sheer determination has kept at least some routes passable. ‘I’d invoice the council’ said Norman, ‘but unless I scrawl the bill on the back of a parking ticket and chuck it in a pothole, I doubt they’d even notice.’


Meanwhile, the village’s bin collections have been cut so drastically that residents have started identifying themselves by the species of rodent currently nesting in their front gardens. The removal of a collection round has led to an unofficial waste disposal system, one that involves catapults, neighbourly agreements, and, in one extreme case, a trebuchet. ( Look it up!)


Faced with these injustices, the people of Audlem have taken the only reasonable course of action – complete and utter independence. A flag will be designed (a wheelie bin atop a tractor), border patrols are forming (mostly sheep and cows), and plans for a new currency (the Norman) are well underway. Joe the printer has been tasked with their design which will befit our new regime.


Freedom! cried Bob, raising his pint. And with that, the Independent Republic of Audlem will be born..