Steph's Couch Potato

Couch Potato

Yesterday I wore something that was seven years old and it actually still fitted me. I was so proud of myself. It was only a scarf, but let's think positively! These small things please me but make me realise that I need some sort of outlet to relieve the boredom I am feeling during this semi lockdown period.

I think one of my problems is that I have really fantastic bad ideas, and sometimes the thoughts in my head get so bored they actually go out for a stroll through my mouth. This is not always a good thing, so I decided to challenge my inert couch potato body and stimulate my weary brain by taking up the 'Couch to 5K' challenge.

Apparently over nine weeks, 'Couch to 5K' slowly ramps up the amount of time you spend running and cuts back the time you spend walking until you're at the point where you can actually run a 5K without stopping. This may only get me half way to Nantwich, but it's a start. The trouble with running is that by the time you realise you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back. Up until now, the only time I've run in my life I heard clapping. It was my thighs cheering me on by rubbing together! Let's face it, when does anyone say 'I'm tired, I think I'll go for a run". Oh well, in for a penny.........

My first 'challenge' was to get the app onto my phone. This in itself caused me total confusion as there were about 20 similar apps, all purporting to do the same thing, so a quick phone call to one of my many daughters – I never did know when to stop – ensured I downloaded the correct one.

I was also given strong advice. 'Get a high impact sports bra Mum or you'll find you're boobs jigging about!' Sports bra? High impact? Jigging? These are words I have never heard about my underwear but if it returns my breasts to the same perkiness pre-children position, then game on! After perusing the John Lewis website I became even more bemused, but after reading about Geoff Farr's recent troubles, I decided I might not be able to return it if I purchased the wrong one as it may have my personal DNA on it.

It's hard to imagine it now, but a lack of supportive undergarments were once a serious barrier to women athletes. The Amazons of ancient Greece would cut off their right breasts so they wouldn't get in the way of their archery. I wonder what happened when they were ambidextrous? Also, the average woman is carrying around over a kilo of weight on the front of her chest that moves independently to the rest of her body. Who knew?

Even Judy at Williams let me down as she appeared not to have one on display – I didn't verbalise my request so she probably had one discretely secreted under her counter to save embarrassment, although it could possibly have been there for over a century and would have been due for an outing to The Repair Shop!

Fortunately Sainsbury's came to the rescue with a huge array of what can only be described as cast iron straight jackets. As I didn't want other customers to think I was on some sort of health kick, God forbid, I secreted it away amongst my fruit and veg and ignored the cashier as she publicly held it up with a look of disgust on her face. Thank goodness for face masks and screens. I finally returned home with something that looked more like body armour for The Game of Thrones!

I covertly retired to the bathroom to try it on, as my husband was looking far too intriguingly at it. He was under the impression that a sports bra is for......well never mind, I've disillusioned him now! After several minutes of huffing and puffing, and that's just to lock the bathroom door, I finally managed to do up the frontal zip, only to emerge looking a bit like a trussed up turkey! Believe me, my boobs were going nowhere as they were now safely glued to my chest should I wish to pop out to the Coop or for the odd marathon run!

Next on the list of 'necessary requirements' were ear buds. Seemingly the yellow ones I use on planes are not good enough, they have to be connected to my iPhone ( other makes are available ). Apparently I have to listen to instructions as I run along in my straight jacket. I am a woman, although with the sports bra on it's debatable, I can multi task, and I was informed by another of my many daughters that Air Pods were required as ordinary ones need regular untangling and I may trip over their wire connections and fall flat on my face.

Somehow my mental image of a svelte lady, elegantly pounding the lanes of Audlem with no boob bounce and apparent ease was beginning to dissolve, but on the plus side if I wear Air Pods, I'll be able to do my awesome post Prosecco dancing unimpeded by unfavourable comments which I won't be able to hear!

By now this new idea of mine was beginning to look expensive. The app may have been free, but forget the glass slippers, this princess now needed running shoes!

The running shoe should be called the Swiss Army knife of footwear. After all what appeal is there to a shoe whose only selling point is comfort? I think that running shoes are based on a kind of cult idea – that our feet are flawed and we need shoes to correct those flaws. I'm going to stick with my walking shoes to start with as I like the colour of their laces!

Right, the path to success needs action and I am now ready and prepared. After all if you believe you can, you will. I think I'll just have another cup of coffee first!

Running Thoughts

Slow runners make fast runners look good.

If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, b) you deserve it, and c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway!