Some characters I have known

Local pilot Geoff Farr has sent a characterful article about people he has known:

Billy and Reg

"Old hens is no price"
Billy was a village wheelwright, as was his lifelong friend Reg.

Reg was hanging a field gate he had made and Billy happened along on his bike. A conversation took place of old palls enjoying a good natter.

During the conversation Billy inserted several times the sentence: " Old hens is no price".
Now Reg had always kept a productive garden which included a hen pen for the production of eggs for the kitchen. Just as Billy was turning his bike to re-mount he turned back to Reg and said: "You don't know anybody who wants to part with some old hens."

When Billy died and a sale was held I bought for a pound a miniature long case grandfather clock, seen here to the right. It was made so that the movement and face is a Half Hunter pocket watch. I was given to understand that it was an 'apprentice piece' to mark an apprentice completing his time and becoming a workman.

Now Billy had an apprentice named Frank who duly reached manhood and of course asked Billy to increase his pay. Billy declined and advised Frank to seek employment else where. His parting shot " I've larn't you all I know and now you know n'owt".

I must now place reliance on my editor to decide whether he thinks you are mature enough to read of an earthy character, or if he should put his pen through it. On second thoughts, a man who can choose to name Audlem Ramblers Society as ARS (and Short- ARS into the bargain) is not fit to be trusted with such a serious and weighty decision*.

I note here a recent heading to one of his news columns. "Short-ARS off to Wales ". Further implying that the ramblers are all small in stature. Agh well. Nothing ventured nothing gained.

Roy

Roy was an assistant in one of my DIY shops. At the time of which I write he would be about seventeen. He was round and pleasant, easy to like and mischievous.

A middle aged lady came into the shop like a ship in full sail. She was clearly of some consequence and used to being taken notice of.

The draw pull on the chest of drawers at home had come adrift and broken and she needed a replacement. So brandishing the offending object as a sample, she addressed Roy thus: "Young man have you got a little knob?" Roy, as quick as a flash, and with an impish grin on his face, replied. "I'm not complaining madam." I leave you to imagine the mirth that filled the shop.

Ron

Then there was Ron. Ron managed my DIY shop at Market Drayton. Though long past retiring age, Ron could not give up work and derived great pleasure from presiding at the shop. When Ron encountered someone who was overbearing and needed, in Ron's opinion, to be taken down a peg, he would say: "You think you are everybody! But you are not. 'Cos I'm a few."

There was memorable occasion when a customer came into the shop and enquired, "Do you have any planed 2" X 1"?
"Yes" said Ron. "It's 42 pence a metre."
"Oh "said the customer, " I've just called at Burgesses and theirs is 40 pence per metre."
"Why didn't you buy it then?" said Ron.
"Well they are out stock at present."
"I see" said Ron, "ours is 40 pence a metre when we haven't got any."

Then there was the motor mower. One Summer, Ron did a good trade in motor mowers and found it a good line. The mowers had to be taken from their box and assembled, then handed to the customer who had no further need of the box.

Ron found that he had made collection of boxes and perceived that they might make good adverts. So he filled them with bricks and placed them on the wide pavement outside the shop.

A couple of days later a pickup truck screeched to a stop outside the shop and two youths ran from the pickup and seized one of the brick filled boxes and staggering under heavy load quickly placing it in the back of the truck they roared off.

"I would have liked to have been present when they opened the box," was Ron's laughing comment. They did'nt bring it back under complaint.

Jock Crighton

When I finished my apprenticeship I was engaged by Monk and Company to work on their project to build a huge new factory at Wigan for Heinz 57 for the production of cans of baked beans in tomato sauce. Here I must make a disclaimer: I played a rather small part in the enterprise and I do not accept responsibility for the breaking of wind from the entire populace during the ensuing 57 years.

It is a complete co-incidence that the number 57 keeps re-occurring.
Where does Jock come into this?

This was 1957 and the M6 had not yet been built. So travelling home to Wybunbury each evening was not possible. I therefore took lodgings with Annie and Jock in Wigan.

Now Jock had spent a lot of time in the desert during the war and told me many tales of his adventures there. He told me (for instance) that because of the proximity of German snipers they erected their blankets on rails in front of the trenches and if they kept the blankets wet they would stop the German snipers bullets.

I throw this gem in, in case you should ever find yourself fighting a desert war. I have often wondered if this was the origin of the saying that so and so is a wet blanket. Implying that he/she would stop all the fun , Moreover, fighting another desert war might not be too far in the future. So don't forget what I am telling you.

Jock had a miniature Poodle dog called Jerry. So Jock and I would walk this dog each evening. But to get to the parkland we had to walk the dog about half a mile along the pavement. On the occasion of which I write, Jerry stopped at a lamp post and commenced to do what dogs do to lamp posts.

A rather smartly dressed lady was heading for a night on the town and was walking towards us with purposeful strides. Jock holding to the dog lead addressed her thus: "Och misses I dinna know why he does this....He's never seen me doing it."

She increased her pace without an acknowledgement and stalked past us in high dudgeon. Leaving Jock wondering what he'd done to upset her.

Jock attributed to this dog quasi human thinking and that all it's actions and temper were according to Jock well reasoned. For instance if having put out the dog's food and him having failed to eat it all, Jock would say with conviction that he was leaving some for the poor dogs.

Jock's job was the bread baker in one of Wigan's bakeries and Jock (who was not religious, but had Calvinist Scottish Background) had developed an intense dislike of all things Roman Catholic. Now Wigan had a substantial population of Catholics and most of the young ladies working in the bakery were Catholic.

He was delighted when yet another had fallen pregnant and he retailed the tearful conversation in the boss's office. He announced on reaching home, with a calculated amount of scorn and sarcasm that " The bloody Holy Ghos'ts been at again. Another immaculate conception".

Jock and Annie visited us for a few days when we lived at Kinsey Heath. Jock didn't care much for Kinsey Heath. He was happy to retire to Wigan because the birds dawn chorus wakened him too early.

These are just a few of the delightful people who have brought fun and spice to my life and I am very grateful to them.
Cheers for now
Geoff Farr

*The editor wishes he was, but wasn't, the originator of the ARS title. He has some claim to have been involved in the creation of the Short-ARS and Smart-ARS names. He cannot claim authorship of his favourite, this year's overseas trip to the Isle of Man, home of the famous motorcycle races, named by another member of the Audlem Ramblers Society as 'ARS over TT'.

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