The Mask

Well it had to happen, I turned up for my first post Covid19 haircut only to find that the lady next to me was wearing the same face mask. This, to us ladies, is the same awkward fashion encounter as wearing a twin outfit.

However this set me thinking – always a dangerous aspect of my personality to unleash – leading my mind to envisage a variety of hilarious and creative ways to protect myself from the Coronavirus, thereby safely protecting other villagers whilst popping into Audlem shops or visiting my friends.

Face masks. They're on most of our minds (and faces) these days. From simple surgical masks and super-expensive masks to DIY solutions, it seems that nearly everyone has at least one mask to protect them from the coronavirus when they go outside. However, let's face this crisis in style and design by being incredibly creative and donning unique face masks whilst perambulating around our village. Here are some of my suggestions.

My IT consultant husband has several anti virus discs hanging around the house, so full of inventive ideas I considered they would make an ideal face covering, well that was until I attempted to attach elastic as a form of ear support. My endeavours of hole making- maybe a hammer and awl wasn't one of my finest moments – smashed them to smithereens in my hand, so that was a non starter. Having said that, my husbands puce coloured face when he realised his anti virus discs were no more was worth the effort. I'm so glad we have all those defibrillators dotted around the village.

After he had stopped shaking with anger, he needed sedating, so I made an appropriate hole for his cigarette in one of our plain hospital masks. Sadly this kind endeavour on my part led to a short visit to A&E to treat some minor burns as he had set fire to the mask.

Well the Government keep telling us smoking is bad for our health so I've sent them his grisly photo so they can print it on their cartons during this pandemic as a warning to others!

Having arranged an afternoon tea date, it struck me that I needed to be extra careful as my friend was classified as vulnerable – if you know her, she is anything but that – so delving into the depths of my cupboard I discovered one of my children's old wet suits, which I felt would fully cover me and prevent any contamination. I looked up on the internet how to put on a wetsuit and one of the suggestions was to use KY jelly? Well I wasn't wasting it on this, as I'm saving it until I meet the man of my dreams, so after much talcum powdering and stretching of areas that had not been stretched for a long time, I emerged looking a bit like a wet fish wearing a diving mask.

I suspect putting on a wetsuit is the most exhausting part of a dive. Sadly I also realised that I had a small split in the nether regions, but undaunted I pottered off to my tea date and stayed safely in her garden sitting on a large terracotta upturned flower pot which judiciously had a large hole in the top. This served a dual purpose as I would have no need to use my friends toilet due to my wetsuit's gap perching perfectly on the flower pot's drainage channel! Fortunately I didn't have to test this theory.

Moving on to a more delicate subject ladies, I have discovered that panty liners, the ones with wings, can be successfully arched sideways to the face covering both nose and mouth. Should the ones in your possession not have wings, you cheapskates, two tampons pushed gently into your nasal cavities will provide the same protection. They have the added benefit of being easy to remove as you just pull the string hanging from your nostrils!

Now it's true to say that you may pass out fairly quickly as there is not a lot of room to breathe, but they should just about allow enough time for you to grab your bottle of wine from the Coop, before exiting, gasping for breath! Remember please, to dispose of the temporary mask and nose plugs, carefully folded, into the bin which has been strategically placed outside the Coop doors especially for this purpose. Boots have a plentiful supply, however should they run out, disposable nappies will suffice, just cut them in two, although you may not be able to see unless you make eye holes.

Finally, if you are the fortunate owner of a pooch, you have probably squirrelled away at least one 'cone of shame'? Try adapting it as a perspex face mask by popping it over your head and tying the smaller neck end ties around your own neck. This has the advantage of giving you full visibility, whilst your dog will be suitably impressed by your trendiness. On the downside if there is any heavy rain you may find your cone filling with water and you could possibly drown! Common sense should prevail in this situation as when you untie the strings, you can also wash your entire outfit as well as drenching the dog.

Protecting ourselves is important during this progressive pandemic. DIY masks are different and improvised from different stuff, people are ingenious and these ideas are some of mine. Everyone is striving to spread good mood and positive emotions, so go ahead and create your own face masks. Audlem could become the village for trendsetters.

Afterthoughts;

That wonderful feeling of ripping off your mask when you get into your car or house is now the new "taking off your bra when you get home"!

I've decide that wearing a mask when I go to the Coop is like a disguise because people can't see the obscene amounts of junk food I'm buying!