Walking Sports

The Geriatric Games

Following on from the recent increase in de-energised activities for the more mature athletes like myself (most of who will probably already have at least one athletes foot ), here now is the full list of nominations of de-energised / adapted pursuits for the proposed' Geriatric Games' in addition to the walking football, netball and rugby that currently take place locally.

1) Walking Cycling – Will now see contestants simply push their bicycles
2) Walking Swimming – Self explanatory, however please note contestants of a smaller stature may require a snorkel
3) Dart- Will now be 2 contestants with 1 dart will attempt to finish down from 31
4) Poker – Will now consist of 2 contestants attempting to be the quickest to awake her indoors
5) Shuffleboard – Will see a contestant wander slowly about the house in their slippers, looking for something to do
6) Boxing – Will now be 2 contestants wearing huge gloves attempting to open an Amazon parcel first
7) Wrestling – Will now have 1 contestant attempting to open a sealed Amazon plastic bag
8) Basketball – Will see players take turns at throwing a paper ball into the waste paper basket
9) Rowing – Will consist of 2 'crews' (with no cox) all sat facing backwards simply arguing with one another
10) The Steeplechase – Will be 2 seated contestants attempting to be the quickest to name 10 UK steeples
11) Rollerball – Will now consist of 2 contestants sat across a small table roll a ball to one another
12) Skiing – Will consist of 2 contestants attempting to be the first to eat a Strawberry yoghurt
13) Downhill Skiing – Will consist of 2 contestants attempting to be the first to eat a Strawberry yoghurt at the bottom of Vicarage lane
14) Cross Country Skiing – Will consist of 2 contestants attempting to be the first to eat a Strawberry yoghurt whist arguing about Brexit
15) The Pentathlon – Will now become, the Pent-up athlon whereby competitors will simply get angry about 5 different things
16) Golf – Will now consist of competitors sat looking out of their windows trying to be the first to spot the classic Volkswagen car
17) Diving – Will now be a discussion over tea and biscuits about the state of modern football
18) The Hammer Throw – Will simply become the nail throw
19) Croquet- Will now see 2 competitors trying to do the best impression of a Frog
20) Squash – Will now comprise of 2 competitors trying to be the quickest to kill a wasp
21) Fencing – Will now be 2 contestants in face masks trying to be the quickest to remember and name 5 different types of fencing
22) Backgammon – Will now consist of 2 players trying to return a joint of meat to the butchers the quickest
23) Snooker – Will now have the table and balls removed so the participants will just be left queuing
24) The Marathon – Will now consist of 100's of contestants (many in fancy dress) trying to be the quickest to eat an out of date 1989 chocolate bar
25) Archery – Will now be a quiz whereby contestants are required to answer questions solely about the Archers
26) Pool- Will now see 2 contestants race to get the mop to clear up a spillage
27) Table Tennis- Will simply become 'coffee table' tennis
28) Judo – Will now become Judrop whereby 2 competitors with very cold noses try to be the last one to drip
29) Polo – Will now consist of 2 contestants attempting to suck a 'holed' mint the quickest
30) Water Polo – Will now consist of 2 contestants sat in the bath attempting to suck a 'holed' mint the quickest
31) Weightlifting – Will become Liftwaiting as contestants who are keeping their lifts waiting attempt to find their glasses the quickest

Please note that all competitors in any of the above activities will be randomly drugs tested and anyone found not to be on at least one form of drug may be banned from future events.
Please watch this space for further dates and details and a very large print entry form .

Ed – and badminton can be seen on any Monday evening in the Town Hall,