The true story on 1st April

Audlem Online published seven stories and articles on 1st April, all of them incredible. Except one of them was entirely true. And this is it:-

Teachers to check on how babies gurgle

Audlem's babies will be assessed on their gurgling, babbling and toe-playing abilities when they are a few months old under a legally enforced National Curriculum for children from birth to five published by the Government this week. The village's nursery, childminders and reception class teachers will have to monitor children's progress towards a set of 69 government-set "early learning goals", recording them against more than 500 development milestones as they go.

At five, each child will be assessed against 13 scales based on the learning goals and their score, called an early years profile, which must be passed to the Department for Education and Skills. When children enter compulsory schooling, they should be able to read simple sentences using a phonics-based approach, count reliably up to 10 and sing simple songs from memory, as well as respecting others' beliefs and learning to share and take turns.

The Early Years Foundation Curriculum, which comes into effect from September 2008, replaces non-statutory guidance already in place. According to the practice guidance, babies from birth to 11 months should be assessed for "the different ways babies communicate, such as gurgling when happy". As they begin to scrutinise the skills children need for writing, carers should note the interest infants show in "the marks they make when they rub a rusk round the tray of a feeding chair".

Those who guessed the true story have earned their prize – the right to shout as loudly as they wish: "I don't believe it" and contemplate the strange world we now live in. Teachers, however, many of whom knew only too well this was a true story, must work on the 69 new tests as their homework over Easter.

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