The Trials of a Driving Instructor

On a balmy summer evening, our ladies downed their Prosecco and cast aside their bikinis in favour of 'something light and floaty,' and drifted towards The Scout and Guide Hall in anticipation of yet another fascinating talk, this time on 'The Trials of a Driving Instructor.'

The most important trip you may take in life is meeting people halfway, and there are many unanswered questions about driving, for instance if you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on your headlights, what happens? If you had never learned to drive, would you have learnt to swear so well?

Personally I am still in recovery after a mechanic informed me that he couldn't repair my brakes, but he had made my car horn sound louder! Cheek!

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving once. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

June Perry was in fine form after her recent cataract operation and gave us a new improved version of Jerusalem, now that she could see the notes!

Jackie Creber had provided a beautiful flower arrangement for 'Top Table,' and much to my disappointment, Lin Nicholas, our President ( who needs Trump or Clinton when we have Lin ) signed the minutes after they had been agreed. How can I make funny remarks when people do things properly for goodness sake?

In matters arising, our resolution response email was heartily endorsed – if there had been ticker tape it would have cascaded down on us – and for those still using 'steam power' as opposed to 'High Speed Broadband' – an ignominious title, as sometimes I just stare at the speed of my downloads and give them moral support – a copy was placed on the table for later perusal.

The WI Gazebo for Audlem Carnival was a great success as members turned up trumps with an

amazing array of delicious cakes and my personal thanks goes out to Jean Cook who stuck by me all day running the 'Sand Game.' It's the only time we are allowed to entice young children to come and play, which they did!

Members were encouraged to support and attend the Corbrook Court Garden Party in aid of St Luke's Hospice on Saturday 9th July and any further donations for tombola prizes would be greatly appreciated'

Ann Hollins, in her position as treasurer, encouraged members to sign up for Gift Aid if they paid tax, and then Maggie Phillips rose up to discuss the how we could help the Kerry West Orphanage Foundation which had been set up by the daughter of a friend.

The Kerry West Orphanage Project is located in Lake Bunyonyi, Uganda. It aims to save the lives of local orphans and enable them to receive an education and teach them life skills.There are currently about 112 orphans being cared for by the Kerry West Orphanage Project.

They would like to wear a school uniform, and Maggie has kindly purchased enough wool for our members to help knit the children matching jumpers, and if anyone has any children's grey skirts or trousers, they would also be welcomed.

If anyone would like further information on this project, please look at the website
http://www.kworphans.com

Finally it was time for our speakers – Mr & Mrs Watson – who launched into amusing accounts on the 'Trials of a Driving Instructor.'

Mr Watson commenced his anecdotes with the wise information that instructors should be teaching people how to drive and not how to pass their test and that the three things which should be learnt at first were start, steer and stop – now why didn't anybody tell me that?

He recalled one young lady who always wore a lovely perfume named 'Apple Blossom.'

Our members sagely nodded their heads knowingly, whilst mutterings of 'Helena Rubenstein' were heard amongst the audience. Mr Watson henceforth referred to the lady as 'Apple Blossom' during her lessons.

In sharp contrast a young man attended his lessons sporting a different odour – usually last nights curry combined with lager and cigarettes – worse was to come as he rarely showered and Mr Watson would spray his car with air freshener after each lesson.

We weren't told which name he was referred to by, but 'pongy' springs to mind?

The question that women casually shopping for perfume ask more than any other is this: 'What scent drives men wild?' After years of intense research, we know the definitive answer. It is bacon.

It would appear that nowadays young people are allowed to consider driving lessons as part of their education – that's a neat way of skipping lessons methinks!

One of these school age young ladies was never to be forgotten. As she drove the car home from school every day with her mother, Mr Watson was of the opinion that she had the rudimentary skills of driving as she was being taught by her mum.

On her first lesson he drove the car to the regular practice area of Chester, behind the zoo because it was quiet, stopped, turned off the engine and changed places with the pupil.

He then asked her to start the engine and move the car forward.

She replied 'I don't know how to start the engine, Mummy always does that,' followed by 'I don't know how to move forward, Mummy operates the clutch pedal and puts the car into gear and has her hand on the steering wheel.'

Mr Watson decided to take her back to the basic rules, start, steer and stop!

Another pupil stopped the car well before the junction with a main road. When asked if he could see the traffic coming along the main road, he replied 'no.'

The instructor kindly suggested maybe he should move forward, so he did, by moving the drivers seat forward a notch or two! He wasn't totally useless as he could be used as a bad example!

Apparently all these things have happened, fortunately therapy is coming down in price and Mr Watson rushed off to his latest counselling appointment whilst his wife took over the talk.

An instructor should never say 'straight across' at a roundabout, because the learner may take it literally and it's quite expensive replacing decimated grass and flowerbeds! Also, whilst we're on the subject of roundabouts, turn right is also not a good thing to say as you face the added complication of oncoming traffic!!

Now many of today's youngsters are only aware of digital time, so the famous 'ten to two' hand position on the steering wheel completely flummoxes them.

Our members nodded wisely at the long ago memory of being taught this hand position completed by the knowledge that men are like parking spots, all the good ones are taken and those that aren't are completely inaccessible to us. Also, if a women is bad at parking, it's because she is constantly lied to about what 8 inches is!

Margaret Lockwood gave the vote of thanks for two very entertaining speakers.

After a delicious tea, thank you Shirley Firth, Nola Fisher and Lin's granddaughter, Loren, who stepped in at the last minute when we were short of a tea lady – we are just such an adaptable group.

The competition this month was 'a photo of your favourite car.' Betty Minns came first, Jackie Creber second and Joyce Clydesdale was third.

• Scrabble will be held on the 8th June at Anne Hollins and 22nd June TBA.
• Bridge will be held on the 10th June at Chritina Lawson's and the 24th June TBA
• Mah Jong will be held on the 6th July at June Perry's.

Once again, Pat Smith distributed beautiful bouquets of flowers to our birthday ladies before Lin wished everyone a safe journey home, advising a diversion via The Lord Combemere if heat exhaustion was setting in – she is such a wise lady!

If any of my posts offend you, apologies as it'll probably happen again as I am a repeat offender!

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