Lockdown Musings

My other half's body is a temple, or so he informs me. He is the only person I know who takes enormous pleasure in keeping his daily step count down to below 100, even though if he never got out of bed – a thought that has crossed his mind – he could reach his ultimate goal of zero.

Sadly this is an impossibility because in order to keep his lungs in good working order he is forced to meander warily over the black ice patches at the bottom of our 8 ft garden to smoke his twenty cigarettes a day. In his eyes, this also helps to kill any bugs who may dare to approach, including that pesky Covid-19, and who am I to argue as he is never ill!

Having recently suffered the indignity of a trapped nerve – it probably didn't know where else to go – he rang our esteemed physiotherapist Phillippa ( other physios are available ) for advice. He was asked how much exercise he did, his prompt reply was ' None. I believe that if I don't use my body too much, it won't wear out!' I think she now realises he's a lost cause, but she'll no doubt do her best!

However, in his favour, it would appear he is God's gift to many of Audlem's esteemed ladies. Who knew? They won't hear a word spoken against him! They throw open their doors – when allowed – and to his great delight they lure him in with home made cakes and biscuits. I've checked their houses and I can't see any red lights, so what's his secret I hear you ask, what is his great attraction ( although I've asked myself this question for years )?

Forget the female desires for roses, chocolate and wine gifts, he usually does, all this man needs is an encyclopaedic knowledge of iPads, iPhones and any other type of computer you may possess. Due to his determination to keep his steps to the minimum, he can be guaranteed to be at the end of his phone, day or night, to solve your technological problems. He just loves to challenge his knowledgable mind and never gives up on a problem. However ask him to fix a dripping tap, or pick up a paintbrush and he's utterly flummoxed ........so I get a man in! ( or woman )

Technology.......it's a bizarre thing. It brings you great gifts with one hand, and it stabs you in the back with the other. It has become shockingly obvious to me that our technology has exceeded our humanity, and in my eyes, it is indistinguishable from magic. Computers may have lots of memory, but they have no imagination and if this keeps up, we will all atrophy our limbs except for the push-button finger. Then we will no longer need gyms, so that's a bonus in my book!

Although we're now about three weeks away from knowing everyone's real hair colour – I've been reliably informed that 80% of blondes will disappear – we've also now realised that our top three hobbies all involve restaurants, bars and non essential businesses and we've also discovered that, to add clarity to our minds, we've become experts in cocktail making due to an abundance of Christmas leftover drinks.

Let's face it, being under lockdown can exert enormous pressure on both your mind and body. I found myself wiping down my container of anti bacterial wipes with an anti bacterial wipe the other day, so I'm clearly beginning to lose it, and during a recent Zoom session with my friends I turned myself into a potato and couldn't find the button to change it back! It's hard to be taken seriously when you look like a potato!

There are some silver linings to lockdown. I'm not proud to admit it but I have dusted the spines of my books and wiped them down with a cloth. Also I've polished the toaster and kettle and filled the bird bath. I did consider cleaning my oven, but I'm leaving that for next year's lockdown as I don't want to run out of things to do.

Fortunately, my children have all left home – let's be honest, they were glad to get away although America is still a mite too close in their eyes, but having a talkative child at home during lockdown must feel like having a stalker combined with a parrot superglued to your shoulder! I feel for these parents, apart from insisting that their child washes their hands for 26 hours a day, by the time the schools will finally be opened we will probably all be dead!

Does Boris realise that there will be murderers set free before we are? I thought I might write to him and ask him if he's going anywhere nice for his birthday, just to test if he understands the Covid rules. Sadly, I also suspect that whilst I was taking one of my many lockdown snoozes, someone broke into my house and replaced all my clothes with smaller sizes as mine don't appear to fit me anymore and let's face it, the only way I'm likely to burn a thousand calories is a pizza in the oven!

Advice

Do your household chores correctly. The squat and duck walk can be performed whilst dusting, sweeping and mopping. You may look like a frog but no one's going to see you. Do not look up at the ceiling. it's bad enough that the floor is covered in food deposits, you don't need to worry about the cobwebs and spiders. Also attend to that pile of unwashed takeaway dishes. It's an excellent way to get more movement into your arms and get those bat wings flying and gives strength to the lower back and hips. Good preparation for when you squeeze into all those clothes that have mysteriously shrunk.

However, laughter and seeing the silver lining can help psychologically and physically. And if you feel guilty about laughing during this crisis--don't. Humour helps us get through the toughest times, and my husband is happy to be a part of it!