Audlem Parking

Ed: Stephanie writes : After a long discussion on Audlem's parking problems at my WI Book Club, and also having read todays Guide Book with residents complaint about parking, I've decided to solve the problem in my own inimitable way!!!

BREAKING: Audlem to Introduce Revolutionary One-Way System
(Eventually Leading Out of Audlem)

Residents of Audlem are bracing themselves for what officials are calling a ‘bold, visionary, and almost certainly imaginary’ new one-way traffic system, designed to tackle the village’s long-standing issues with heavy lorries, tractors the size of small countries, and cars that appear to have been abandoned mid-journey after the car and driver mutually agreed it was easier to walk.

Under the proposed scheme, all traffic will enter Audlem freely, but leaving will require patience, optimism, and possibly a packed lunch. The plan comes after extensive research revealed that Audlem’s streets are, in fact, narrower than most modern vehicles’ wing mirrors.

Local sources say the system will work as follows – HGVs will enter the village at the same time as tractors, meet in the middle, and then perform a carefully choreographed three-point turn lasting approximately 45 minutes. Cars will queue politely behind them, blocking pavements, doorways, and the occasional dog, whilst residents practise deep breathing techniques, normally used during panic attacks!

In a further stroke of accidental genius, parking at Audlem’s entrances and exits has evolved into a sort of unofficial toll system. Faced with parking charges that require a small mortgage and a second job, motorists have instead chosen to park their vehicles just outside the village — neatly lining both sides of the road.

This has had the welcome effect of reducing the carriageway to approximately the width of a tea towel, ensuring that articulated lorries attempting to pass through must either fold themselves in half or reconsider all their life choices. Drivers of said lorries can often be seen inching forward at walking pace, mirrors ( buttocks ) clenched tight, whilst locals place bets on whether the truck will make it through without removing a wing mirror, or half of a parked Fiesta.

Some parking will also see ‘improvements’. With car park fees now rivalling the national debt, residents will be encouraged to park creatively. Acceptable locations include – half on the pavement, fully on someone else’s drive, diagonally across two spaces, or directly outside your own front door ‘just for five minutes’ (which will somehow become three days).

Visitors are also advised that parking enforcement will remain entirely arbitrary. Tickets may or may not be issued, depending on staff availability, and whether the enforcement officer can physically reach the vehicle without falling into a pothole.

Ah yes, the potholes. Audlem’s roads have entered what experts describe as ‘advanced lunar simulation mode’. Some potholes are now large enough to have postcodes, whilst others are rumoured to contain lost cyclists, missing hubcaps, and at least one small medieval village. Cheshire East Council has reassured residents that repairs are scheduled sometime between ‘soon’ and ‘the death of the universe’.

However, tractors will continue to thunder through the village at peak times, usually when you’re late for something. Their operators, cheerful and unstoppable, will wave apologetically as they mount the kerb, flattening the odd passer by.

In the meantime, residents are advised to stay calm, keep their sense of humour, and remember: if you’re not moving, neither is anyone else — and that’s the Audlem way.