Audlem goes underground

Audlem to Get Its Own Underground Train Line

In a dramatic move that has stunned both transport experts and local residents, plans have been unveiled for the Audlem Underground, a state-of-the-art subterranean railway system designed to compensate for recent bus service cuts and to support the village's ongoing bid for independence.

This ambitious project, dubbed The Shroppie Line, will see a 12 mile network of underground tunnels connecting Audlem to Market Drayton with high-speed driverless trains running every 10 minutes.

The first phase is expected to commence at the village square, with foot and wheelchair access gained via a spiral ramp (with a gradient only slightly steeper than Mount Everest) which will provide a scenic, if slightly exhilarating, descent. (Wheelchair brake-checks are recommended.)

For those with a nervous disposition, an escape tunnel can be used which will lead directly to our local pubs. Local spokesperson and self-appointed Minister for Infrastructure Steve Tracksworth hailed the project as a bold step toward self-sufficiency.

'For too long, Audlem has been held hostage by unreliable bus services and pothole strewn roads,' he said. 'Now, as we move forward towards independence, we need a transport system that reflects our status as a forward-thinking, world-class micro state.'

Tracksworth claims that the underground line will be built using advanced canal-digging technology, with construction crews working in complete secrecy. They will be unseen, but quietly beavering away underground, to avoid alerting rival transport authorities.

Early blueprints suggest that the Audlem Underground will include the following stops:

Audlem Central – Located beneath The Square, with an escalator emerging inside Williams of Audlem, the shop that sells everything.

Overwater Deep – A scenic station with glass tunnel walls, allowing passengers to walk and wave at passing fish.

Gorse Croft Parkway – Specially designed for high-speed cow crossings.

Market Drayton International, featuring a passport control booth in case Audlem's independence bid succeeds.

Trains will be powered by an innovative system that converts surplus Cheshire cheese and local dry cow pats, into biofuel, ensuring a 100% sustainable operation.

Whilst some villagers have embraced the idea, others remain skeptical. Local farmer Jim Haycart expressed concern over potential disruptions. 'I don't mind progress, but I've heard they're planning a tunnel right under my field. I don't want to wake up one morning to find a train station in my barn.'

Others have questioned the project's feasibility, particularly given the estimated £4 billion budget. However, Tracksworth insists that funding is secure, with most of the money expected to come from raffle ticket sales at village events.

Construction is set to begin today, with the first trains expected to run on April 1st, 2026.