A Little Extra Love in the Upgrade

The imminent upgrade to the website software has stirred the imagination of our Social Affaires correspondent, Steph.

Audlem Amour

With Audlem Online's big software spruce-up just around the corner, I'd like to make a small suggestion for the new site -- something that could change village life forever. No, not free cake delivery (though that's still on my wish list), but our very own dating corner: Audlem Amour.

Let's be honest -- the ducks on the canal have a more active love life than most of us, and they don't even have Wi-Fi. Audlem Amour would let us meet real locals -- no more swiping strangers from far-flung places like Woore or Crewe. Instead, we'd find someone who already knows the difference between the Lord Combermere and the Shroppie Fly, and who won't flinch when your idea of romance is watching the lock gates close.

It would be simple to join: tell us your favourite village walk, your stance on marmalade thickness, and whether you own your own teapot. A few rules to keep things tidy -- no profile photos of tractors, cows, or sheep (we've all seen enough of those), no romantic strolls across the football and cricket pitches during play, and all first dates to be held within shouting distance of a pub. For safety, Kingbur Place residents will be issued binoculars to ensure no Hanky-Panky at The Bridge car park!

Think of the possibilities -- finally finding someone to help you put up the Party in the Park gazebo (three people if it's windy), to hold your chips while you chase off the swans, and to share a bag of pork scratchings without judgement. It's time Audlem had a dating site... if only to stop the ducks smirking at us every time we walk by.

Sample – Local Lovebirds

• M, 42 – Stargazer seeks romantic evenings watching lock gates close. Must tolerate thermos tea and the occasional bat.
• F, 68 – Enjoys gardening, choir practice, and complaining (constructively) about roadworks and potholes. Looking for partner who appreciates a good Victoria sponge and a strong opinion on bin day.
• M, 64 – Retired teacher, still corrects grammar on pub menus. Plays guitar "just for fun" (neighbours may disagree). Keen to meet someone for charity shop browsing and possibly salsa dancing, though still unclear what salsa is.

So, whether you're looking for true love, a reliable gazebo partner, or just someone to share your chips while you fend off an aggressive swan, Audlem Amour could be the answer. After all, why should the ducks have all the fun?