A Go Too story

A Go Too story

(This story has been submitted by Colin Cliffe, well-known local creator of pantomimes, so you know what to expect.)

URGENT NEWS FLASH
A sensational report from a fish-monger on the Lord Combermere car park that suggested that up to 10 passengers had been sighted onboard the 'Go Too Everywhere Almost Empty' bus, has now been fully investigated by the council.

Following the 8 month investigation which is said to have cost in excess of £130,000 and involved up to 3 sets of temporary traffic lights, its findings have now finally proven that this alleged sighting to be false.

Apparently when observing all the CCTV evidence available, it became apparent that as the bus pulled away from the Butter Market area all the 'so called' passengers allegedly onboard the bus were in fact a group of hoody wearing 6 foot plus skinny 12 year olds boys all dressed in black, sat on the church wall texting.

n.b. When the councillors were asked why they didn't just look at the camera on the bus they simply looked at each other before declining to comment.

OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENTS
The council have recently made the following statements regarding the 1.25 million pound 3 year trial of the 'Go Too Everywhere Almost Empty' bus service;

1) That alleged reports that in an effort to streamline the service, all the various destination names on the front of the bus are now to be replaced and will now simply read 'Mary Celeste' are totally unfounded.

2) The reports that on the rare occasion that the bus does carry a passenger, that the passengers name will now be displayed on the front of the bus is also untrue.

3) That the 'Go Too Everywhere Almost Empty' bus drivers are not receiving counselling for loneliness at the tax payers' expense, it is being fully funded by the council them-selves.

4) The rumours that following an in depth analysis of data all the routes will be changed in 2023, and that they will now include places that people may actually want to go to are nonsense the council say.

5) That in an effort to cut costs even further and following the successful Boris Bike scheme in London whereby over 65% of the bikes have never been in the Thames the 3 empty busses will now be left scattered around the area for people to drive themselves, however the current drivers will be retained to go and look for them as and when they go missing.

6) Reports that to cover the remaining costs of the trial and based on current usage individual fares will have to increase from £3.20 to £2768.50 are incorrect, it is likely to be much lower the council say.

7) Reports that following a review of the first years passenger figures the 3 x 16 seater busses will be replaced in 2023 with a single Tuc-Tuc has been denounced.

8) The analysis figures that show that more people have sat in the space station than have sat on a 'Go Too Everywhere Almost Empty' bus have been denounced by the council as 'utter nonsense', their review clearly shows that 3 more people have sat in the bus.

9) Proposals that the current fleet of 3 x 16 seater busses will be upgraded to floating yellow 'Duck Busses' to enable them to continue to operate through the Corbrook dip and possibly extend their service through the Swanbach bridge to Adderley are currently being considered

10) Rumours that one person is regularly summoning the bus from as far away as Bunbury just to travel from the Shroppie fly to the Lord Combermere are being investigated.