A Brilliant Plan

With apologies to Pam Ayres

A Brilliant Plan (Apparently)

In Audlem where the ducks all know just how and where to stand,
And puddles pop up often, just as nature always planned,
There’s news that’s caused a flutter (not the cheering sort),
A scheme that’s ‘truly clever’—if you haven’t got a thought.

And Cheshire East have helped us all, in ways so very kind,
By making sure objections are remarkably hard to find.
The website’s such a marvel—it’s practically a game,
Where losing all your comments is the height of civic fame.

You click a link, it disappears, you log in—then it’s gone,
You start again three times before you wonder what went wrong.
But clearly this is purposeful (and not neglect or haste),
Why clutter things with feedback when it’s easier misplaced?

Yes, Keeping people voiceless is efficient, neat and clean
A triumph of design, if you ignore what it might mean.
So yes – no need to listen, no opinions to explain….
It’s peaceful, if your deaf to those who’ll soon be in the rain.

Now Müller’s got a notion, neat as you please,
To build some brand-new houses right where the water likes to tease.
A flood plain, yes—but worry not, it’s just a tiny quirk,
I’m sure the fish will thank them when they’re paddling through to work.

The shops all titter quietly, the pubs sigh in despair,
While locals shake their heads and wonder how they got there.
‘Build first, act shocked later!’ seems to be the clever plan,
Whilst common sense is wandering off, as common sense oft can.

But don’t fret, my friends, it’s really quite all right,
Just keep your wellies handy and your canoe in sight.
Maybe a floating patio, a bridge from room to room—
A charming little waterside with its very own monsoon.

Yet Audlem, practical folk (and not entirely daft),
Can see a soggy future in the muddled council draft.
So here’s the village verdict, sensible and plain:

‘Don’t build upon a flood plain—
Or you’ll be building in the rain.’

Stephanie Richardson