By Colonel Blimp - 30th March 2020 6:07am
Following the excellent contributions from other Audlemers I thought villagers may wish to hear how things are unfolding here at Blimp Towers during this time of national crisis.
We are of course practicing social distancing. Specifically, Mrs Blimp is staying at all times more than two metres from me, as she has done for at least the last 35 years, enforced where necessary by poking me with a 2 metre stick with protruding nails. Things are now so dire that even my two imaginary friends are staying away.
I believe I have never known a situation so serious since my time in the Crimea and the siege of Sevastopol.
I talk of course of the toilet roll crisis. Here at Blimp towers we ran out two weeks ago now, and having failed to secure supplies through Judy's raffle I can only describe the situation here as rather claggy. I believed we had a solution, inspired by seeing a demonstration of the impressive cleaning abilities of a Karcher pressure washer on QVC. Mrs Blimp fired up our trusty device whilst I suitably bent over a chair in the garden and she directed the deluge in the appropriate direction. This has unfortunately resulted in some rather unfortunate anatomical rearrangement of my internal organs as the pressure turned out to be a tad too much. Also as the outside tap is in our front garden it resulted in a report being made to the constabulary by a rather startled passing cyclist. The Constable attending took rather a lot of convincing that we had not in fact been indulging in some deviant practice (apparently not unknown in certain parts of the village), and when shown the efficacy of the procedure after I insisted he viewed the evidence of the cleaned area he left both satisfied and traumatised.
That's all for this week, I will keep readers updated as events unfold here at Blimp Towers.
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